My Immortal - The Edited Version
by TheGodKings
Summary: Yes, you read that right. The edited version. This is what happens when two snarky, sarcastic college students decide they have nothing better to do with their time than spell and grammar check the infamous 'My Immortal'. Come on guys, if we can edit this monstrosity, you can read it. Rated T for Light's swearing and because it's My Immortal.
1. The One Where Light Makes A Bad Choice

Editor's Note- God, why am I doing this? Seriously, WHY do I think this is a good idea? I suppose I should introduce myself. I'm Light, and I'm one of the two crazy ass motherfuckers who decided that editing 'My Immortal' was a good plan. I haven't even started yet and I know this is going to end in tears, cigarettes and a whole lot of vodka.

The purpose of this is, you guessed it, to edit 'My Immortal' in attempt to discover if the quality of the story improves once you're actually able to read it. Okay, let's be honest, we all know the answer to that. Yet I'm still here, all ready to go. We're gonna do this shit.

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**AN: Special fangs (Get it? Because I'm gothic) to my girlfriend (Ew, not in that way!) Raven, AKA bloodytearz666 for helping me with this story and spelling. You rock! Justin, you're the love of my depressing life. You rock too! MCR ROCK!**

Hi. My name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way. I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back. I have icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee **(AN: If you don't know who she is, get the hell out of here!)**. I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth, in case you couldn't tell, and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example, today I;m wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was Draco Malfoy!

"Nothing." he said shyly.

But then I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

**AN: Is it good? Please tell me! Fangs!**

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Editor's Note- Okay, to be fair, chapter one wasn't all that challenging. I guess we have Raven to thank for that. And I cannot believe I just said that.

I left 'limpid tears' there because I have no idea what she meant to say.

My main issue so far with editing is that I don't want to fuck with the actual story itself. I want to fix the spelling and grammar but without changing what Tara's written too much.

Christ, I'm a first year Uni student studying Chinese and this is the most difficult shit I've ever done.


	2. The One With Raven- I Mean Willow

**AN: Fangs to bloodytearz666 for helping me with this chapter! By the way, preps, stop flaming my story, ok!**

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took off my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets. I put four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

My friend, Willow **(AN: Raven this is you!)** woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (Black lipstick, white foundation and black eyeliner.)

"Oh my fucking God, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we left the Slytherin common room and went into the Great Hall.

"No, I so fucking don't!" I shouted.

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily.

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked.

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me.

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love Good Charlotte. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.

"Well… Do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped.

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Editor's Note- Holy shit, that was even easier than the first chapter. I'm guessing I'm being led into a false sense of security. Oh well.

Incidentally, I was listening to Good Charlotte as I edited this- 'The Young and the Hopeless'. Just taking the title into account, it was really rather appropriate -_-.

-Light.


	3. The One Where Draco Wears Eyeliner

**AN: STOP FLAMING THE STORY PREPS, OK! Otherwise, fangs to the gothic people for the good reveiws! FANGS AGAIN RAVEN! Oh yeah, by the way, I don't own this or the Good Charlotte lyrics.**

On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some Good Charlotte. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (They were going to play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner **(AN: A lot of cool boys wear it, ok!).**

"Hi Draco" I said in a depressed voice. _(EN- Somebody please, please explain to me what a depressed voice sounds like. Is it a monotone? Is it a high pitched whine? I'm going to go with the latter. Just because it sounds like she whines a lot. Also, why the fuck was there an exclamation mark there? -_-)_

"Hi Ebony" he replied. We got into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) and flew to the concert. On the way we listened to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and did some drugs. When we got there we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood  
They're all so happy you've arrived  
The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom  
She sets you free into this life." sang Joel **(I don't own the lyrics to that song). **_(EN- The song is 'The Chronicles of Life and Death', if anyone wants to listen to it after reading this monstrosity.)_

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice. _(EN- There are clubs in Hogsmeade?)_

Suddenly Draco looked sad.

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.

"Hey, it's ok. I don't like him better than you!" I said.

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me protectively.

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got some Good Charlotte concert t-shirts too. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts. Instead he drove the car into the Forbidden Forest!

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EN- Sorry for the numerous Editor's notes throughout this. I can't promise they won't be a recurring feature. It's just so difficult to edit this without pointing out some pieces of extra stupidity.

This is still easy enough to do. I dread her little cat fight with Raven. It's going to make my job so much harder.

-Light.


	4. The One Which Has Really Shit Porn

Editor's Note- The porn. Oh God, the porn. ='(

You've been warned.

-Light.

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**AN: I said stop flaming, ok? Ebony's name is EBONY. Not Mary Sue, ok?! DRACO IS SO IN LOVE with her that he is acting different! They knew each other before, ok?!**

"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he got out of it. I got out of it too.

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily.

"Ebony?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped.

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing colored contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness. Suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore.

And then Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out passionately against a tree. He took my top off and I took off his clothes. I even took off my bra. Then he put his thing into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became warm. And then…

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS?!"

It was…Dumbledore!

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Editor's Note- I don't know what to say about this one, guys. I really don't. On the other hand, Dumbledore now gets credit for being the most bad ass motherfucker in this pitiful excuse for a story.

After four chapters of this fuckery, I'm off to have a well deserved cigarette break. (Cigarettes are bad, m'kay kids?)

See you next chapter.

-Light


	5. The One Where Draco LOVES HER

Editor's Note- Come at me, chapter 5! From this point on 'My Immortal' will be co-edited. My esteemed colleague will edit the even numbered chapters and I'll be editing the odd numbered. Be nice to her- she has very fragile self-esteem =)

-Light.

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**AN: STOP flaming! If you flame it means you're a prep or a poser! The only reason Dumbledore swore is because he had a headache, ok?And on top of that, he was mad at them for having sex! PS: I'm not updating until I get five good reviews!**

Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

"You ludicrous fools!" he shouted.

I started to cry tears of blood down my pale face. Draco comforted me. When we got back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry.

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice.

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall.

"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape.

And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!"

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms."

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.

"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.

"Yeah, I guess." I lied. I went to the girls' dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. When I came out Draco was standing in front of the bathroom and he started to sing 'I Just Wanna Live' by Good Charlotte. I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.

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Editor's Note- There was actually fuck all I had to do with this chapter. It's not up to me to fix her complete disregard for cannon. Like boys not being allowed in the girls' dorm or Snape being so passive about the whole situation. I'd also like to say that I wish my old secondary school was so accepting of having sex on school grounds. But I guess it's okay, because they're in love -_-

I can't figure out why she'd be flattered that Draco sung that song to her, either.

-Light.


	6. A Wild Co-Editor Appears!

This chapter is done by Light's esteemed and much prettier (that's what you get for mocking my insecurities ... bitch) co-author. And joy, I get the chapter where Harry, wait _Vampire _is introduced. Fuck my life. Seriously.

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**AN: Shut up preps, okay! P.S. I won't update until you give me good reviews!**

The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and black high heeled boots. I put on two pairs of skull earrings and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair purple. _(EN: Tip for the future, Ebony - that'll destroy your hair)_

In the Great Hall I ate some _Count Chocula_ cereal with blood instead of milk and a glass of red blood. Suddenly, someone bumped into me. The blood spilled all over my top.

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily.

I regretted saying it when I looked up, and into the pale, white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks. _(EN: *Sigh* Shallow much?)_ He was wearing so much eye-liner that it was running down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn't have glasses any more - he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's. There was no scar on his forehead any more. He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. He looked exactly like Joel Madden. He was so sexy that I was immediately turned on.

"I'm so sorry," he said in a shy voice.

"That's all right. What's your name?" I asked.

"My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days," he grumbled.

"Why?" I exclaimed.

"Because I love the taste of human blood," he giggled.

"Well, I am a vampire," I confessed.

"Really?" he whimpered.

"Yeah," I roared.

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me, so I left with him.

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Editor's Note: Aside from some dramatic editing done in the Author's Note, there wasn't much to change in this chapter without taking away from _My Immortal's_ unique … charm. There was however one monstrosity which had to go. The line "He was so sexy that I was immediately turned on" was originally "He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko."

… I wish I was kidding.

Also, if someone could explain to me how two people can grumble, exclaim, giggle, confess, whimper and roar in a conversation of eight sentences, I'd be really grateful.

- Livi xx


	7. The One Where Draco Has AIDS

Editor's Note- More attempts at porn. Bleh.

Hey, Liv? You know I'm the better looking of us. Just look at that snazzy top hat. (I'm a strong independent black woman who don't need no man!)

-Light.

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**AN: Well, ok you guys, I'm only writing this because I got five good reviews. **** And by the way, I won't write the next chapter until I get TEN good ones! **_(EN- this was originally 'TIN god vons!'. The edit was on the basis of her meaning to say 'good', but if I was incorrect and she actually wants ten reviews from deities, I'm sorry Tara. Have a God review as compensastion from us here at The God Kings. =]. This also applies to the line '5 god reviuws'. ) _**STOP FLAMING OR I'LL REPORT YOU! Ebony isn't a Mary Sue, ok? She isn't perfect. SHES' A SATANIST! And she has problems. She's depressed for gods sake!**

Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist rings on my nails. **(AN: See, does that sound like a Mary Sue to you?) **_(En- Yes.)_ I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me because I was going out with Draco. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then we started frenching passionately _(EN- At least, I'm assuming that passively was meant to be passionately.) _ and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took off my top. Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants. We got on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy thing in me _(EN- 'me' was originally 'mine'. I'll admit, both are quite disturbing, but the original will definitely give me some hardcore nightmares.)_ and we HAD SEX. **(See, is that stupid?)** _(En- Yes.)_

"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while having an orgasm. All of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in blood-like gothic writing was the word Vampire!

I was so angry.

"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.

"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!"

I put on my clothes and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and walked until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was in a lesson with Professor Snape;

"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled.

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Editor's Note- Yeah, it's starting to make my brain explode.

-Light


	8. The One Where Liv's Head Explodes

In this chapter we have the utterly bambooziling POV swaps (Yes that adjective was completely appropriate and necessary) with no sort of indication as to when they happen - it killed my brain.

And Light? You know that top hat was mine and you stole it. Kleptomaniacs are really the bane of my existence.

* * *

**AN: Stop flaming okay! **_(EN: 'flaming' was originally 'flassing' and I genuinely thought she meant 'flossing'. Then I wondered if she just wanted the world to have bad teeth.)_** If you do then you're a prep! **_(EN: Ooh, you cut us to the core, Tara. 'Prep': the world's most hurtful insult.)_

Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back.

"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly. _(EN: Draco, YOU ARE NAKED IN SNAPE'S CLASSROOM, WHAT ARE PEOPLE SUPPOSED TO THINK?)_

My friend Bloody Mary Smith smiled at me secretively. She flipped her long waste-length, gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on. She had pale white skin that she was wearing white make-up on. Hermione _(EN: Hermione? I thought we were talking about Bloody Mary Smith?)_ was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch, but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. She still has nightmares about it and is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger. (Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Gryffindor.)

"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" Snape demanded angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.

"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him. _(EN: I'm so confused here, isn't she going out with Draco? Or is she just going out with everyone? Oh, my poor, abused brain.)_

Everyone gasped.

I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me. _(EN: Is it worrying that I actually thought she was mad at herself and thinking about herself in third person? Granted there is no logical reason for Tara to switch POV here with absolutely no explanation.)_ I had went out with Vampire (I'm bisexual and so is Ebony) for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Brittany, a stupid preppy fucker. We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.) _(EN: These are such meaningful, likeable characters, aren't they?)_

"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire.

"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility _(EN: I assume this was supposed to be 'virginity' but I think I'll leave this simply because it amuses me to think that having sex with Draco makes people really tired all the time. And because I doubt she was a virgin at this stage in the story.)_ to Draco and then I started to bust into tears. _(EN: I can't say this with any sort of certainty, but I think we're back to Ebony's POV here.)_

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Editor's Note: I would be more annoyed at the untimely death of my beloved brain due to the POV changes but honestly I never got past the part where Draco bursts into Snape's classroom without a stitch of clothing and Snape has _nothing to say_ about it. I'm incapable of saying anything else about this chapter. Hopefully I'll have recovered in time for the next chapter.

Light's (Death) Note- Sorry for that pun. Really. Though I do have a prop Death Note, and I just added Tara to the list =) I just want to make a comment about the line '(I'm bisexual and so is Ebony.)' First off, Tara, you said in chapter one '**my girlfriend (Ew, not in that way!) Raven'**. Your bisexuality? Seems legit. You might not be attracted to Raven, but still. 'Ew'? Really? Secondly, as a pansexual, God fuck dammit, of all the awesome non-hetero people in the world, (Neil Patrick Harris and John Barrowman, for example) WHY do we get Tara? I know the bible says it's a sin and all but don't you think giving us Tara is a bit harsh? No offense to straight people intended, so nobody get butthurt, m'kay?

Actually, know that I think about it, I'd probably say 'ew' to Raven as well. Oops.

-Light.

Light's Extra Note- Just discovered that by '(I'm bisexual and so is Ebony)' Tara meant Draco and Ebony, not herself.

Double oops. But considering that random POV switch with no warning, I think you'll forgive me.


	9. The One Where Light Headdesks

Editor's Note- Honest to God, the second sentence of the authors note confused the shit out of me for a few minutes. I'm really beginning to regret labelling this story under 'English.'

Liv, we both know that that hat looked better on me. And if we're being pedantic, the top hat's your dad's. And a spiffing top hat it is! =)

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**AN: Stop flaming, ok?! I didn't read all of the books! **_(EN- That explains a lot.) _**This is from the movie, ok, so it's not my fault if Dumbledore swears! **_(EN- Tara, darling, I think we saw different films because I don't ever remember Michael Gambon dropping any f-bombs. -_-)_** Besides, I SAID HE HAD A HEADACHE! And the reason Snape doesn't like Harry now is because he's a Christian and Vampire is a Satanist! MCR ROCKS!**

I was so mad and sad. I couldn't believe Draco was cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I had had sex with Draco.

Then all of a sudden, a horrible man with red eyes and no nose started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn't have a nose **(basically like Voldemort in the movie)** _(EN- *headdesk, headdesk, headdesk.) _and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. It was… Voldemort!

"No!" I shouted in a scared voice. Voldemort shouted "Imperio!" and I couldn't run away.

"Crookshanks!" I shouted at him. _(EN- ...It was only when I reread this that I realised that she meant 'Crucio'. I just assumed that Crookshanks was Voldemort's secret kryptonite or something.) _Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped. _(EN- *headdesk comboX6!)_

"Ebony." he yelled. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!" _(EN- Should I edit this...?)_

I thought about Vampire and his sexy eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden. (_EN- Sounds legit, bro.) _I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up?

"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back.

Voldemort gave me a gun. _(EN- Yeah, sure. Who doesn't remember this beloved scene?)_ "No! Please!" I begged.

"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!"

"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.

Voldemort got a dude-you're-so-retarded look on his face. "I hath telekinesis." _(EN- So. Much. Headdesking. TELEPATHY, you dink.) _He answered cruelly. "And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.

I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods.

"Draco!" I said. "Hi!"

"Hi." he said back but he looked sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram **(get it?) **_(EN-Not at all.)_ between Joel Madden and Gerard Way.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"No." he answered.

"I'm sorry I got mad at you, but I thought you cheated on me." I explained. _(EN- This was originally 'expelled'. I'm not even gonna ask about that one.)_

"That's okay" he said. He looked very depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together while making out. _(EN- Yeah, sure. Careful you don't walk into the Whomping Willow. -_-)_

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Editor's Note- I honestly think this chapter gave me a concussion. ALL OF THE HEADDESKING. Seriously, reading Homestuck doesn't give me this much of a headache. I'm not even going to apologise for the Editor's Notes any more. You may want to get used to them.


	10. The One With Temporary Suicide

Editor's Note: This is the chapter in which Draco kills himself by slitting his wrists despite the fact that Tara says earlier on _in the same chapter. _My brain, what have you done to it, My Immortal?

Light, putting aside the fact that the fact my Dad owns a top hat makes him the single greatest person in the universe. The hat was still more mine than yours. By right of passage_ it will be mine _(I'm quoting something here and I'm not sure what - I think it's Lord of the Rings)_._ Basically, if you want a top hat get your own, I have dibs on that one.

* * *

**AN: Stop it you gay fags if you don't like my story then fuck off! P.S. It turns out Bloody Mary isn't a Muggle after all and she and Vampire are evil that's why they moved houses, okay! **_(EN: Why would them being evil necessitate them moving house? Did they insult someone? Steal their post? Let their dog shit on a neighbour's lawn? Wouldn't evil people just massacre the annoying, whiny neighbours?) (EN #2: Uh, whoops, just caught now that she meant moving from Gryffindor to Slytherin. My bad!)_

I was really scared about Voldemort all day. I was even upset when I went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band _Bloody Gothic Rose 666 (EN: Tara, honey, that's a dreadful name for a band – you just strung together three of your favourite words and added 666 to the end. And what does a gothic metal band sound like anyway?)_. I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR. The other people in the band are Bloody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo now. _(EN: Ron is renamed Diabolo. This is the single greatest thing My Immortal has ever given us.)_ He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.) and Hagrid. _(EN: As Light mentioned, I'm convinced this is not our beloved half giant only his evil Satanist twin)_ Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren't coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn't die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there's no way I'm writing that) _(EN: Under any other circumstances I would laugh hysterically at this but I find that all I'm capable of now is a disbelieving shake of the head)_ or a stake) and Vampire was probably watching a depressing film like _The Corpse Bride_. I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I'm a slut but I'm really not. _(EN: Yes, you are. Tara, sweetheart, but a dictionary, it could help improve your writing. Maybe.)_

We were singing a cover of 'Helena' and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears. _(EN: That as dramatic.)_

"Ebony! Are you OK?" Bloody Mary asked in a concerned tone.

"What the fuck do you think?" I asked angrily. _(EN: Temper, temper)_ And then I said. "Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! But I don't want to kill him, because, he's really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don't kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!" I burst into tears.

Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall.

"Why didn't you fucking tell me!" he shouted. "How could you- you- you fucking poser Muggle bitch!" **(See is that out of character?) **_(EN: Yes, I refuse to believe that Draco would ever know the word 'poser')_

I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too, all sensitive. _(EN: And that definitely is)_ Then he ran out crying.

We practised for another hour. Then, suddenly, Dumbledore walked in angrily. His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn't because he had a headache. _(EN: Ah, yes, the famous headache scene. I'm extremely glad Light took care of that one. I'm just surprised I haven't had to edit extremely bad porn yet.)_

"What have you done!" He started to cry wisely. _(EN: Well, I'm not really surprised, Dumbledore does everything wisely) _**(See, that's basically not swearing**_ (EN: We know, Tara darling, we aren't the one's in dire need of a dictionary)_** and this time he was really upset, and you will see why.) **"Ebony, Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists."

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Editor's Note: The writing has become steadily worse and I'm dreading the chapter where Tara reveals she no longer has a Beta because she had a spat with Raven. My beautiful heart will break, watch - you'll see.


	11. The One With Goth 50 Cent

Editor's Note- Liv, honey, that hat is going to Mathew. He has the blazer already ;)

On another note, I'd like to point out how unfair it is that Liv hasn't gotten a sex scene while I've gotten two. TWO! This is madness!

* * *

**AN: I said stop flaming me, preps! See if this chapter is stupid! It deals with really serious issues! See for yourself if its stupid. Fangs to my friend Raven for helping me!**

"NO!" I screamed. I was horrified! B'loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her fuck off _(EN- I wish I had a friend like you...) _and I ran to my room in tear. Dumbledore chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room because he if he followed me he would look like a pervert.

I started crying tears of blood and then I slit both of my wrists. The blood got all over my clothes so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume. I grabbed a stake and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide. _(EN- I am so happy that I got this chapter. For months I actually believed that she meant 'steak'. I just thought "Yeah, okay. Why not. Stranger things have happened in this story." Says a lot about this story, doesn't it? Nothing like murdering vampires with a T-Bone.) _ I was so fucking depressed! I got out of the bathtub and put on a black, low-cut dress with lace. I put on black high heels with pink metal on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings. I couldn't fucking believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed. Snape was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Lupin was masturbating to it! _(EN- ...AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Masticating. -__Snigger__**-**__)_ They were sitting on their broomsticks. _(EN- Arson, Murder and Jaywalking like a sir.)_

"EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS! STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT?!" I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Manson on it. Suddenly Vampire ran in.

"Advada Kedavra!" he yelled at Snape and Lupin pointing his wand. _(EN- 'wand' was originally 'womb'. I died.) _ I took my gun out and shot Snape and Lupin a gazillion times and they both started screaming and the camera broke. _(EN- Cool story bro... Needs more dragons and shit.)_ Suddenly, Dumbledore ran in. "Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he shouted, looking at Snape and Lupin. He waved his wand and suddenly Hagrid ran outside. _(EN- Liv has this theory where Hargrid is actually Hagrid's evil Satanist twin. Personally, I agree, but for the sake of the already raped cannon, we'll refrain from putting in our theorys. Or else Ebony would have tried to kill herself with a block of meat. Medium rare.)_

"Everyone, we need to talk." said Hagrid.

"What do you know, Hagrid? You're just a little Hogwarts student!" _(EN- Kay.)_

"I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT…." Hagrid paused angrily. "BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!"

"This cannot be." _(EN- This line right here. If anyone has ever watched Little Kuriboh's 'Leather Pants' video, Marik's 'This cannot be!' after he finds out that the pants are not the source of Yami's power is the voice I imagine right here.) _ Snape said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Dumbledore's wand had shot him. "There must be other factors." _(EN- LOL, what?)_

"YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!" I yelled in madly.

Lupin held up the camera triumphantly. "The lens may be ruined but the tape is still here!"

I felt faint, more than I normally do. Like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood.

"Why are you doing this?" Lupin said angrily as he rubbed his dirty hands on his cloak.

Then I heard words that I had heard before, but not from him. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint.

"BECAUSE…BECAUSE…." Hagrid said and he paused in the air dramatically, waving his wand in the air. Then he began singing a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent. _(EN- Gotta love those gothic versions of 50 Cent songs.)_

"Because you're gothic?" Snape asked in a scared voice. He was afraid that it meant he was connected with Satan.

"Because I LOVE HER!"

* * *

Editor's Note- Okay, I have to say I'm a bit disappointed. I was waiting for some really deep, intriguing issues that would give the characters depth.  
But I suppose that Loopin's pedophiliac masticating is serious business.

And I'm off to listen to some gothic 50 Cent!

=)

-Light.


	12. The One Where Liv's Brain's Melt

Editor's Note:Light, that argument made no sense, if he get's a blazer then I get the hat it's only fair. Besides the chances of my buying a blazer in the near future are really quite high.

* * *

**AN: Stop flaming, okay? **_(EN: No) _**Hagrid is a pedo too. **_(EN: Eh, pretty sure he isn't.) _**A lot of people in American schools are like that. **_(EN: That's not racist at all) _**I wanted to address the issue! **_(EN: Tara, I'm pretty sure someone with the emotional maturity of a two year old will only hurt the imaginary cause. Best leave it to the adults, yeah?) _**How do you know Snape isn't Christian? Hagrid isn't really in love with Ebony that was Cedric, okay?**_(EN: I can't believe I have to say this but I'm pretty sure Snape isn't Christian, I'd imagine being a Death Eater is frowned upon by the Church, what with all the torture and murder. Besides he's in Slytherin, aren't they all extremely 'goffic'?)_

I was about to slit my wrists again with the silver knife that Draco had given me in case anything happened to him. He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy but I knew that we must both go together. _(EN: Let me get this straight, Ebony. You are going to kill yourself by slitting your wrists because Draco killed himself by slitting his wrists which is also apparently impossible for vampires to die from. And Draco killed himself because you didn't tell him that if you don't kill Vampire, Voldemort will kill Draco? Am I right? Because if I am this story makes less sense than the concept of Yu-Gi-Oh! Where the adults think playing children's card games is a good way of settling arguments.)_

"NO!" I thought it was Hagrid but it was Vampire. He started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" and then ... his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites. _(EN: Red whites? I don't even know why I'm asking any more.)_

I stopped. "How did you know?" _(EN: Know what?)_

"I saw it! _(EN: Saw what?!) _And my scar turned back into the lightning bolt!" _(EN: What does that have to do with our current mystery of 'What the Hell are They Talking About?')_

"NO!" I ran up to him. "I thought you didn't have a scar any more!" I shouted.

"I do, but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation," _(EN: why change it if he was just going to cover it up anyway?)_ he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and it turned back into the lightning bolt! Save me! _(EN: Again I have to ask, from what?) _Then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco ... Voldemort has him hostage!"_(EN: But didn't Draco kill himself two chapter back? Apparently, death by slit wrists isn't very effective for a vampire.)_

Anyway, I was in the school nurse's office now recovering from my slit wrists. Snape and Lupin and Hagrid were there too. They were going to St. Mungo's after they recovered because they were paedophiles and you can't have those fucking perverts teaching in a school with lots of hot girls._(EN: I hadn't realised that St. Mungo's could cure people of paedophilia. You learn something new everyday.)_ Dumbledore had confiscated _(EN: This was constipated before. Yeah, try figure that one out.) _the video camera they used to film me naked. I stuck up my middle finger at them.

Anyway Hagrid came into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink roses.

"Ebony, I need to tell you something," he said in a very serious voice while giving me the roses.

"Fuck off." I told him. "You know I fucking hate the colour pink anyway, and I don't like fucked up preps like you." _(EN: I thought he was a Satanist?)_ I snapped. Hagrid had been mean to me before for being gothic. _(EN: Not surprised, you're mean to everyone. Tit for tat, as they say.)_

"No Ebony," Hagrid says. "Those are not roses." _(EN: In what world are roses not roses?)_

"What, are they goths too, you poser prep?" I asked because I was angry that he had brought me pink roses. _(EN: Bitch, when a guy brings you flowers, you say thank-you. What would your mother say.)_

"I saved your life!" _(EN: When was this?) _He yelled angrily.

"No you didn't," I replied. "You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton porn-video made of me in the shower and being viewed by Snape and Lupin." Who MASTURBATED **(See is that spelled wrong) **_(EN: Well, considering is was originally spelled MASTABATED, I would have to say yes.)_ to it, she added silently.

"Whatever!" I yelled angrily.

He pointed his wand at the pink roses. "These aren't roses." He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered, "Well, if you wanted honesty that's all you had to say."

"That's not a spell - that's an MCR song," I corrected him wisely.

"I know, I was just warming up my vocal cords." Then he screamed, "Petulus merengo mi kremicli romacio **(For all you cool gothic MCR fans out there, this is a tribute! Especially for Raven - I love you, girl!) **imo noto okayo!" _(EN: My brain just melted out my ears.)_

And then the roses turned into a huge black flame floating in the middle of the air. And it was black._(EN: You get that, folks. The flame was black, say it after me … black!)_ Now I knew he wasn't a prep. _(EN: He sets fire to the pretty roses he gave you and suddenly you're BFFs? Logic, please.)_

"Okay, I believe you now. WTF is Draco?" _(EN: What the Fuck IS Draco? I ask myself that every time he pops up in the story.)_

Hagrid rolled his eyes. I looked into the balls of flame but I could see nothing.

"You see, Ebony," Dumbledore said, watching the two of us watching the flame. "To see what is in the flames **(HAHA YOUR REVIEWS ARE FLAMES, GET IT?)** _(EN: Haha, you're so _funny,_ Tara) _you must find yourself first, okay?"

"I HAVE FOUND MYSELF, OKAY, YOU MEAN OLD MAN!" Hagrid yelled. Dumbledore looked shocked. I guess he didn't have a headache or else he would have said something back._(EN: Dumbledore may not but I certainly do.)_

Hagrid stormed back to his bed. "You are a liar, Professor Dumbledore!"

Anyway, when I got better I went upstairs and put on a black leather mini-dress that was ripped at the end with lace on it. The top half was a corset. _(EN: Believe it or not this used to say "There was some corset stuff on the front.") _Then I put on black fishnets and black high-heeled boots with pictures of Billie Joe Armstrong on them. I put my hair all out around me so I looked like Samara from the Ring _(EN: Attractive) _**(If you don't know who she is you're a prep so fuck off!)** and I put on blood-red lipstick, black eye-liner and black lip gloss.

"You look kawai, girl," _(EN: For future reference, Bloody Mary, you just said your best friend looked 'acceptable', two 'i's at the end means cute.)_ Bloody Mary said sadly. "Fangs, **(get it?)** you do too." I said sadly too, but I was still upset. _(EN: Why is everyone so miserable here? It's making me depressed – no wait that's just the story itself.) _I slit both of my wrists feeling totally depressed and I sucked all the blood. I cried again in my bathroom and pulled the shades down so Snape and Lupin couldn't spy on me this time. _(EN: I thought they were locked in St. Mungo's?) _I went to some classes. Vampire was in Care of Magical Creatures. He looked all depressed because Draco had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Draco. He was sucking some blood from a Hufflepuff. _(EN: Right, because no-one's going to miss any Hufflepuffs. They live to be sucked dry, apparently.) _

"Hi," he said in a depressed way.

"Hi back," I said in an equally sad way.

We both looked at each other for some time. Harry had beautiful, red, gothic eyes so much like Draco's. Then… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other. _(EN: YOU ARE IN CLASS!)_

"STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!" shouted Professor McGonagall _(EN: I'm on McGonagall's side here, hold it in 'til you get to a broom closet1) _who was watching us with everyone else.

"Vampire ,you fucker!" I said slapping him. "Stop trying to screw me. You know I loved Draco!" I shouted and then I ran away angrily.

Just then he started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.

"NO!" I ran up to him. _(EN: Does this sound familiar to anybody else, or am I just going crazy?)_

"I thought you didn't have a scar any more!" I shouted.

"I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation," he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco….Voldemort has him bondage!"

**SPECIAL FANGS TO RAVEN MY GOTHIC BLOOD SISTER WTF YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO WRITE THIS!**

**HEY RAVEN, DO YOU KNOW WHERE MY SWEATER IS?**

* * *

Editor's Note: I would talk about this chapter but I am simply not up to it. Instead I will go watch the Joffery Slap video on Youtube. It's pure gold and will cheer me right up.


	13. The One With Allah Kedavra

****Editor's Note- Liv, it's an excellent argument. Top hats need no logic.

Also, CARD GAMES ARE SERIOUS BUSINESS. Even more so when they're on motorcycles ;)

Also, stop stealing my jokes. We don't want this to be a Tara, Raven and the sweater incident, do we? =)

* * *

**AN: Raven, fangs for helping me again. I'm sorry I took your poster of Gerard but that guy is such a fucking sexbomb! **_(EN- Apparently, theft is completely justified is the item in question is a picture of a 'sexbomb'.) _**PREPS, STOP FLAMING!**

Vampire and I ran up the stairs looking for Dumbledore. We were so scared.

"Dumbledore, Dumbledore!" we both yelled. Dumbledore appeared.

"What do you want now, you despicable snobs?" he asked angrily.

"Voldemort has Draco!" we shouted at the same time.

He laughed in an evil voice.

"No! Don't! We need to save Draco!" we begged.

"No." he said meanly. "I don't give a darn _(EN- Huh. Darn. What happened to MOTHERFUCKERS?! =[ ) _what Voldemort does to Draco. Not after how much he misbehaved in school. Especially with YOU, Ebony" he said as he frowned at me. "Besides I never liked him that much anyway." then he walked away. Vampire started crying. "My Draco!" he moaned.** (AN: don't you think gay guys are, like, so hot?!) **_(EN- As a yaoi fan, yes. Yes I do. But not here, Tara. Never here.)_

"It's okay!" I tried to tell him but that didn't stop him. He started to cry tears of blood. Then he had a brainstorm. "I have an idea!" he exclaimed.

"What?" I asked him.

"You'll see." he said. He took out his wand and did a spell. Then… suddenly we were in Voldemort's lair!

We ran in with our wands out just as we heard a voice say. "Advada Kedavra!" _(EN- Allah Kedavra... Can't breathe...)_  
It was…Voldemort!

* * *

Editor's Note- Oh, my God. That Allah just about killed me. I love how Dumbledore's so out of character he's Grindlewald. Huh. Must be having one of those headaches.

-Light.


	14. The One With Viewer Excretion

Editor's Note: Well after taking a well deserved break for a day I'm now back and less inclined to throw my laptop across the room in sheer frustration. Feel flattered folks, I do this for you.

* * *

**AN: Fuck off Preps, okay! Raven fangs for helping again. I'm sorry I couldn't update but I was depressed and I had to go to the hospital because I slit my wrists. P.S. I'm not updating until you give me 10 good reviews!**

**WARNING: SOME OF THIS CHAPTER IS EXTREMELY SCARY. VIEWER DISCRETION ADVISED. **_(EN: The originally said "Viowr Excretion Advisd". Yeah, try figure that one out.)_

We ran to where Voldemort was. It turned out that Voldemort wasn't there. Instead the fat guy who killed Cedric was. Draco was there crying tears of blood. Snaketail was torturing him. Vampire and I ran in front of Snaketail.

"Get out of my sight, you despicable preps!" he shouted as we started shooting him with the gun he _(EN: He what? Apparently Tara didn't feel quite up to finishing that sentence.)_ Then suddenly he looked at me and he fell down with a lovey-dovey look in his eyes. "." _(EN: Dot? He said, 'dot'?) _he said. **(in this he is sixteen years old so he's not a paedophile, okay?) **_(EN: Once again, I'm getting really concerned about your obsession with paedophiles, Tara.)_

"Huh?" I asked.

"Ebony, I love you. Will you have sex with me?" asked Snaketail. I started laughing cruelly. "What the fuck? You torture my boyfriend and then you expect me to fuck you? God, you are so fucked up, you fucking bastard." I said angrily. Then I stabbed him in the heart. Blood pored out of it like a fountain.

"Nooooooooooooo!" he screamed. He started screaming and running around. Then he fell down and died. I burst into tears sadly.

"Snaketail, what art thou doing?" called Voldemort. Then … he started coming! We could hear his high heels clacking toward us. So we got on our broomsticks and we flew to Hogwarts. We went to my room. Vampire went away. Then I started crying.

"What's wrong, honey?" asked Draco, taking off his clothes so we could screw. He had a sex-pack **(Get it? Because he's so sexy) ** _(EN: Tara, that was one of the most horrifically bad puns you have ever come up with – and that's saying a lot. Please never try it again when I have to read it.) _and a really huge you-know-what and everything.

"Its so unfair!" I yielded. "Why can't I just be ugly or plain like all the other girls and preps here except for Bloody Mary, because she's not ugly or anything."

"Why would you want to be ugly? I don't like the preps anyway. They are such fucking sluts." answered Draco.

"Yeah but everyone is in love with me! Like, Snape and Lupin took a video of me naked. Hagrid says he's in love with me. Vampire likes me and now even Snaketail is in love with me! I just want to be with you. Okay, Draco! Why couldn't Satan have made me less beautiful?" I shouted angrily. **(AN: Don't worry Ebony isn't a snob or anything, but a lot of people have told her she's pretty)** "I'm good at too many things! WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT'S A FUCKING CURSE!" I shouted and then I ran away. _(EN: I can't believe I'm saying this, but I agree with Ebony. Everyone IS in love with her for some obscure reason and My Immortal IS a curse on mankind.)_


	15. The One Where Hogwarts Teaches Biology

Editor's Note- This is a big, long, detailed list of snarky comments about the Tara's ridiculous writing. And probably something about Liv too. I don't know. She's always a few chapters behind me.

...Tired Light is tired.

* * *

**AN: Stop flaming, ok?! By the way, you suck! From now on, every time someone flames me, I'm gonna slit my wrists! Fangs to Raven for helping!**_ (EN- at the risk of being a dick, here, have a razor.)_

"Ebony, Ebony!" shouted Draco sadly. "No, please, come back!"

But I was too mad.

"Whatever! Now you can go and have sex with Vampire!" I shouted. I stormed into my room and closed my black door with my blood-red key._ (EN- Because plain keys are overrated. And dorms, apparently.)_

It had a picture of Marylin Manson on it. He looked so sexy in a way that reminded me of Draco and Vampire. I started to cry. I took a razor and started to slit my wrists. I drank the blood. Then I looked at my black Good Charlotte watch and noticed it was time to go to Biology class. _(EN- Y'know, I could be wrong here, but I'm pretty sure Hogwarts doesn't offer Biology as a subject -_-)_

I put on a short, ripped, black gothic dress that said Anarchy on the front in blood red letters and had a spiky belt. Under that, I put on ripped black fishnets and boots that said 'Joel' on them in blood red letters. I left my ebony black hair down. I went downstairs feeling sad and depressed. As usual. I did some advanced Biology work. _(EN- But not advanced English, obviously. Not even English For Dummies, for that matter.)_ I was turning a bloody pentagram into a black guitar. _(EN- Ebony.. No. That's Transfiguration. It's also NOT Transfiguration because you CAN'T DO THAT.)_ Suddenly the guitar turned into Draco! _(EN- Yeah, I got nothing for this one.)_

"Ebony, I love you!" he shouted sadly. "I don't care what those fucking preps and posers think! You're the most beautiful girl in the world. Before I met you I used to want to commit suicide all the time. _(EN- I thought you DID commit suicide. In fact, I liked you better dead. Go away.) _Now I just wanna fucking be with you. I fucking love you!" Then he started to sing "Ta Chronicles of Life and Death" (we consider it our song now because we fell in love when Joel was singing it) _(EN- Seems legit.)_ right in front of the entire class! _(EN- Ooh, that bad ass.)_ His singing voice was so amazing and gothic and sexy. Like a cross between Gerard, Joel, Chester, Pierre and Marilyn Manson _(EN- I'm actually kind of concerned that I know every single person she's talking about there.) _(AN: Don't you think those guys are so hot? If you don't know who they are get the fuck out of here!) . _(EN- I don't know, Tara. I grew out of those guys at around age 14.)_

"Oh my fucking God." I said after he was finished. Some preps stared at us but I just stuck up my middle fingers (that were covered in black nail polish and were entwined with Draco's now) at them. _(EN- I imagine it's quite difficult to flip someone off while holding someone's and. I applaud __your efforts -_-)_ "I love you!" I said and then we started to kiss just like Hilary Duff (I fucking hate that bitch) and Chad Michael Murray in a Cinderella Story. _(EN- You hate her and yet you still __compare yourself to her? Fair enough, you crazy little shit, you.) _Then we went away holding hands. Lupin shouted at us but he stopped because everyone was clapping by how sexy we looked together. _(EN- Yeah, those preps always come around! Like Regina in Mean Girls. Oh, wait..) _Then I saw a poster saying that My Chemical Romance would have a concert in Hogsmeade. We looked at each other all shocked and then we went together.

* * *

Editor's Note- So while I was editing this chapter I made the spontaneous decision that I'm going to write ImmortalStuck. Basically what happens when the Homestuck Trolls discover 'My Immortal.' Complete with Trollian leetspeak! If you're into Homestuck, come check it out. We'll have the banter.

-Light.


	16. The One Where We Mourn Willow

Editor's Note: This is one of the shortest chapters I've gotten to edit and yet it's taken my longer than any of the others. Why is that, you ask? Because Raven and Tara finally had their little spat. The lack of the little editing Raven used to do and Tara's frustration with her have made this chapter a keyboard mash. It was absolute _torture_.

**AN: You know what? Shut up, okay! Prove to me that you're not preps! Raven, you suck. You fucking bitch, give me back my fucking sweater. You're supposed to write this!**_ (EN: Why is Raven supposed to be doing this/ It's your story, is it not?)_** Raven, what the fuck? You bitch, you're supposed to do this! By the way, fangs to britney5655 for teaching me Japanese!**_ (EN: You think she could teach you English too?)_

We ran happily to Hogsmeade. There we saw the stage where GC had played. We ran in happily. MCR were there playing 'Helena'. I was so fucking happy! Gerard looked even sexier than he did in the pictures. Even Draco thought so, I could totally see him getting an erection but it didn't matter because I knew know that we were the only true ones for each other._ (EN: I don't know about anyone else, but I'd be a little concerned if the boy I thought was 'The One' started getting erections while looking at a singer on stage. Just something to think about.) _I was wearing a black leather mini-dress and black leather platform boots with red ripped fishnets. Draco was wearing a black baggy MCR t-shirt and black baggy pants. Anyway, we stated moshing to Helena. We frenched. We ran up to the front of the band to stage-dive. Suddenly, Gerard pulled off his mask. So did the others. We gasped. It wasn't them at all. It was … Voldemort and the Death Eaters! _(EN: I loved this line the way it was originally. 'Death Eaters' was 'Death Dealers' and considering Voldemort of dressed in a drag in this fic 'Voldemort and the Death Dealers' brought really strange images to my mind.)_

"What the fuck, Draco? I'm not going to a concert with you!" I shouted angrily. _(EN: Aren't you at a concert? Wasn't there supposed to be a big epic battle between the forces of good and evil at the gates of the school where good eventually emerges triumphant? No wait, then we'd have a story about conflict, not what people are wearing and who they're screwing.) _"Not after what happened to me last time! Even if its MCR, and you know how much I like them"_ (EN: Actually I think I've figured out what's happened. Tara decided she didn't like what she'd written and instead made the story go a different way, but didn't want the first part to be a waste of effort so she left it there. Despite the fact the story now contains time travel and a mass Obliviate.)_

"What cause we…you know…" he fidgeted uncomfortably because guys don't like to talk about you-know-what.

"Yeah, because we you know!" I yelled in an angry voice.

"We won't do that again," Draco promised. "This time, we're going with an ESCORT."

"Oh my fucking God, what the fuck, are you giving into the mainstream?" I asked._ (EN: Mainstream? Escorts haven't been 'mainstream' for around a hundred years or so.)_ "So I guess you're a prep or a Christina or what now?"_ (EN: That just makes to sound like Draco got a sex change.) (Light's Note- Didn't he?)_

"NO," he muttered loudly._ (EN: Mutter: (verb) say something in a low or barely audible voice. How does one mutter _loudly_?)_

"Are you becoming a prep, or what?" I shouted angrily.

"Ebony! I'm not! Please, come with me!" He fell down to his knees and started singing 'The world is Black' by GC to me.

I was flattered because that's not even a single, he had memorized the lyrics just for me!_ (EN: How _cute_!)_

"Okay, then I guess I will have to," I said and then we frenched for a while and I went up to my room.

Bloody Mary was standing there. "Hajimemashite, girl," she said happily (She speaks Japanese, so do I. That means 'how do you do' in Japanese). _(Light's Note- 'Hajimemashite' is what you'd say upon meeting someone for the first time. Not a friend. And I don't even know Japanese.)_

"By the way, Willow, that fucking poser got expelled. She failed all her classes and she skipped Math." **(AN: RAVEN YOU FUCKING SUCK! FUCK YOU!)**

"It serves that fucking bitch right," I laughed angrily.

Well, anyway, we were feeling all depressed. We watched some gothic movies like 'The Nightmare Before Christmas'. "Maybe Willow will die too," I said.

"Kawai," Bloody Mary shook her head energetically, lethargically. "Oh yeah I have a confession, after she got expelled I murdered her and then Lupin did it with her because he's a necrophiliac."

"Kawai," I commented happily. We talked to each other in silence for the rest of the movie._ (EN: Okay, nothing about that conversation was 'Kawai'. Tara made the character persona of her best friend get murdered and her dead body fucked. All because Raven stole a jumper? Tara's really REALLY creepy at times.)_

"Oh, hey, by the way, I'm going to a concert with Draco tonight in Hogsmeade with MCR," I said. " I need to wear, like, the hottest outfit EVER."

Bloody Mary nodded energetically. "Oh my fucking God, totally, let's go shopping."

"In Hot Topic, right?" I asked, already getting out my special Hot Topic Loyalty Card.

"No."

My head snapped up. 'WHAT?" My head spun. I could not believe it. "Bloody Mary, are you a PREP?"

"NOOOO! NOOOO!" She laughed. "I found some cool gothic stores near Hogwarts, that's all."

"Who told you abut them?" I asked sure it would be Draco or Diabolo or Vampire (don't even SAY that name to me!) or me.

"Dumbledore," she said. "Let me just call our brooms."

"Oh my fucking God, DUMBLEDORE?" I asked quietly._ (EN: Point for the future, capitals indicate yelling. Yelling is not quiet.)_

"Yeah, I saw the map for Hogsmeade on his desk," she told me. "Come on, let's go."

We were going in a few punk-goth stores specially for the concerts in Hogsmeade. The salesperson was Oh my God, hotter than Gerard except not because that's impossible, and he gave me a few dresses. "We only have these for the real goths."

"The real goths?" Bloody Mary and I asked.

"Yeah, you wouldn't believe how many posers there are in this town man! Yesterday Lupin and Snape tried to buy a gothic camera pouch." He shook his head. "I didn't even know they had a camera."

"OH MY FUCKING GOD, NO! THEY'RE GOING TO SPY ON ME AGAIN!" I cried, running out of the changing room wearing a long black dress with lots of red tulle coming out, very low-cut and with a huge slit.

"Oh my Satan, you have to buy that outfit" The salesperson said.

"Yeah it looks totally hot," said Bloody Mary.

"You know what? I am going to give it to you free because you look really hot in that outfit. Hey are you going to be at the concert tonight?" he asked.

"Yeah, I am actually," I looked back at him. "Hey, by the way, my name's Ebony Dark'ness Dementia TARA Way. What's yours?"_ (EN: This will never stop making me laugh – she changed her character's name out of spite. And emphasises it too!)_

"Tom Rid," He said running a hand through his black-dyed hair. "Maybe I'll see you there tonight."

"Yeah, I don't think so because I am going there with my boyfriend Draco, you sick pervert!"I yelled angrily, _(EN: He said maybe he'll see you there – not that he wanted a peek at your knickers. Over reaction much?)_but before he could beg me to go with him, Hagrid flew in on his black broom looking worried.

"OH MY FUCKING GOD! EBONY YOU NEED TO GET BACK TO THE CASTLE NOW!" _(EN: I think we have our very first cliffhanger which actually makes sense in terms of the plot. I'm surprised my computer hasn't exploded.)_


	17. The One Where Everyone's Kawaii

Editor's Note- I got the Homestuck soundtrack =D How happy 2he ii2 =)

I'm listening to the 'Showtime' remix as I'm editing this. Combine it with a cup of tea and I'm ready for My Immortal to do it's worst! ...Okay, so maybe not it's WORST, but y'know, half strength or something.

-Light.

* * *

**AN: I said: "stop flaming the story"! If you're a prep, then don't read it! You can tell whether you're a prep or not by taking my quiz. It's on my homepage. If you're not, you rock. If you are, FUCK OFF! **_(EN- Charming.) _**Also, Willow isn't really a prep. Raven, please do this. I promise to give you back your poster!**

Tom Riddle gave us some clothes and other products for free. He said he would help us with make-up if we wanted because _(EN-This was originally spelled 'koz'. I'd like to take a moment to point out that the word 'because' contains none of those letters -_-)_ he was really interested in fashion. (He's bisexual). _(EN- Oh, of course he is. Because magic is a synonym for bisexuality apparently)_ Hagrid kept shouting at us, telling us to come back to Hogwarts. "What the fuck, Hagrid?" I shouted angrily. _(EN- 'WTF Hargrid?', what the fuck is this story, Tara? Really) _"Fuck off, you fucking bastard." Willow appeared from no where and Hagrid stomped away angrily.

"Hey bitch, you look kawaii." she said. _(EN- Goddamn fucking weeabos. People like Willow give anime fans, like my good self, a bad name.)_

"Yeah, but not as kawaii as you!" I answered sadly. Willow's really pretty. _(EN- Ahh, I'm going to remain sceptical about that. Change my mind. I challenge you.)_ She was wearing a short black corset with blood red lace on it and a black and blood-red miniskirt. She also wore leather fish-nets _(EN- I would REALLY like to know how fishnets made out of leather are practical.) _and black pointy boots that showed off how pale she was. _(EN- Because that's what good boots do, people. Show the world how anaemic you are.) _She had a really nice body with big boobs. She was thin enough to be anorexic. _(EN- Big bobs, as you so articulately put it, and thin enough to be anorexic? Sexy! Well, at least it would be if sexy meant horrendously unappealing and wearing clothes like a dirt class hooker.)_

"So, are you going to the concert with Draco?" she asked.

"Yeah." I said happily. _(EN- And not an exclamation point was seen. Happiness equals deadpan, evidently.)_

"I'm gong with Diablo." she said happily._(EN- Said. Not answered. She can't answer you if you didn't ask her a question.)_ A while later Diablo and Draco came to pick us up. They were both looking extremely sexy and you could tell they thought we were hot also. Diablo was wearing a black t-shirt that said '666' on it. He was wearing tons of make-up, a lot like Marilyn Manson for that matter. Draco was wearing black leather pants, a gothic black Good Charlotte t-shirt and black Vans he got from the Warped tower. _(EN- Yeah, that's where I always get my Vans. It's really annoying when the owl post takes ages though.)_ B'loody Mary was going to the concert with Dracula. Dracula used to be called Neville _(EN- Tara called him 'Naval'. God, I thought he had it bad enough with Neville.)_ but it turned out that he was kidnapped at birth and his real family were vampires. (_EN- WHY DOES NOBODY HAVE PROPER PARENTS IN THIS STORY?!) _They died in a car crash. _(EN- Or parents at all, it seems. Also, 'dyed'. Yes, they dyed in a car crash. Dyed what? Their hair? Their groovy tie-die shirts? My sub-plot senses are tingling!)_ Neville converted to Satanism and he became a goth. He was a Slytherin now too. He was wearing a black Warped t-shirt, black jeans and shoes and black hair with a red streak in it. _(EN- Sub-plot revealed! Frank and Alice were dying Neville's hair! Oh, wait. Not Frank and Alice. __Vlad and Lucy, or whatever their names were. Thank God, I thought we'd get a cliffhanger. Now I'll be able to sleep tonight.)_ We call him Dracula now. We all went to Draco's black Mercedes-Benz (get it, because we're gothic) _(EN- Gpffik. That was the word she used. I can only assume that she meant 'gothic'. But who really knows any more?)_ that his dad Lucius gave him. _(EN- Hey, yeah, remember how Draco's dad is named Lucian? No, me neither.) _We did pot, coke and crack. _(EN- DRUGS ARE BAD, M'KAY. They make you like Tara Gilespie. And if THAT isn't the best reason for not doing drugs, then I'm a hippogriff.)_ Draco and I made out. We made fun of those stupid fucking preps. _(EN- I'm sure 'dose fuking preps' cried themselves to sleep because of your cutting wit and clever insults.)_

Before long we got to the concert. I gasped at who was on the stage.

Gerard was the sexiest guy ever! He looked even sexier then he did in pictures. He had long raven black hair and piercing blue eyes. He was really skinny and he had an amazing exotic voice. _(EN- She described his voice as 'ethnic'. I don't know. I really don't. After getting Liv's opinion, which was completely unhelpful by the way, I decided to go with 'exotic'. Couldn't swear by it though.)_We moshed to Helena and some of their other songs. Suddenly Gerard pulled off his mask. _(EN- Since when was there a mask? I recall no mask. And how did you know that he 'was the sexiest guy ever!' if he was wearing a mask? ) _So did the other band members. _(EN- Now I'm just envisioning a flash mob singing popular emo songs while wearing Guy Fawkes masks. In the middle of Hogsmeade. Thanks for that, Tara.) _I gasped. It wasn't Gerard at all! It was an ugly, preppy man with no nose and red eyes... _(EN- Tara, While you've reminded me, Voldemort, you can't sit with us at lunch any more. You wore sweats on a Monday. Sorry, but Regina said you have to go.) _ Everyone ran away, except Draco and I. On stage were Voldemort and the Death Dealers! _(EN- Y'know Tara, that's actually a better name for a band the the one you came up with. 'Voldemort and the Death Dealers' new hit single: Pure Supremacy, out now!')_

"You moronic idiots!" he shouted angrily. _(EN- Yeah, idiots do tend to be moronic on occasion. -_-)_ "Ebony, I told you to kill Vampire. Thou have failed. And now I shall kill Draco and thou!" _(EN- Please, please do,)_

"No, no, please!" We begged, but he took out his knife.

Suddenly, a gothic old man flew in on his broomstick. He had long black hair and a long black bead. _(EN- AHH! MORE OF THE SUBPLOT! Vlad and Lucy were dying EVERYONE'S hair in that car.)_ He was wearing a black robe that said 'Avril Lavigne' on the back. _(EN- Could somebody PLEASE enlighten me as to what universe considers Avril Lavigne to be gothic? I'm thinking some genocide is in order. Dalek style.)_ He shouted a spell _(EN- EXTERMINATE!) _and Voldemort ran away. Our saviour was Dumbledore!

* * *

Editor's Note- Blah, blah, blah. That was all I got out of this episode. And that characters can't have parents.

I named Neville's vampire parents. They're people too, and deserve to be treated with the proper respect! So, Vlad, Lucy and Dracula. Sounds about right. But Augusta is now named Mina and Trevor is Abe.

Woop.

-Light.


	18. The One Where Dumbledore goes Goth

Editor's Note: Dumbledore goes Goth. That is all.

Believe it or not, I'm actually being serious here, nothing else happens in this chapter. Unless you count Ebony and Draco having sex again for about a half a line.

* * *

**AN: I SAID STOP FLAMING! If you do then you're a fucking prep! **_(EN: Was there ever a chapter where Tara didn't scream at people not to flame her story and tell them they ere preps if they did?) _**Fangs to Raven for the help and stuff. You rock! And you're not a prep. Fangs for my sweater! P.S. the other reason Dumbledore swore is because he's trying to be gothic so there!**

I woke up the next day in my coffin. I walked out of it _(EN: She always says she _walks_ out of her coffin so I'm picturing a sarcophagus style coffin standing upright in her 'totes goth' room.) _and put on some black eye-liner, black eye-shadow, blood-red lipstick and a black really low-cut leather dress that was all ripped and in stripes so you could see my belly. I was wearing a skull belly ring with black and red diamonds inside it.

(The night before, Draco and I went back to the school. Dumbledore chased Voldemort away. We flew there on our brooms. Mine was black and the broom-stuff was blood-red. There was lace all over it._(EN: Would that not make it really difficult to fly?)_ Draco had a black MCR broom. We went back to our rooms and we had you-know-what to a Linkin Park song.) _(EN: Haha, I think it's so _funny_ when fanfic authors write sex scenes but can't bring themselves to type the _word_ sex.)_

Well anyway I went down to the Great Hall. There all the walls were painted black and the tables were black too. But you could see that there was pink paint underneath the black paint. And there were posters of poser bands everywhere, like Ashley Simpson and the Backstreet Boys. _(EN: Come on" We're all waiting for Ebony's inevitable and long desired aneurysm at this.)_

"WHAT THE FUCK?" _(EN: And left disappointed once more. I'm gutted.)_ I shouted, going to sit next to Bloody Mary and Willow. Bloody Mary was wearing a black leather mini with a Good Charlotte t-shirt, black fishnets and black pointy boots. Willow was wearing a long gothic black dress with blood-red writing that was all lacy and came up to her thighs and black boots and fishnets. Vampire, Dracula and Draco came. We started to talk about who was sexier, Mikey or Gerard Way or Billie Joe Armstrong. The boys joined in cause they were bisexual.

"Those guys are so fucking hot." Neville was saying when suddenly a gothic old man with a black beard and everything came. He was the same one who had chased away Voldemort yesterday. He had normal tan skin but he was wearing white foundation and he had died his hair black.

"… DUMBLEDORE?" we all gasped. _(EN: Why were you trying to build a mystery here? You said in just the last chapter that it was Dumbledore.)_

"WHAT THE FUCK?" I shouted angrily. "I thought he was just wearing that to scare Voldemort!"

"Hello everyone," he said happily. "As you can see I gave the room a makeover. What do you think of it?"

Everyone from the poser table in Gryffindor started to cheer. Well, we goths just looked at each other all disgusted and shook our heads. We couldn't believe what a poser he was! _(EN: Because no-one's a REAL goth unless they get Ebony's approval.)_

"By the way, you can call me Albert," _(EN: Can anyone else see Dumbledore actually saying this? No? Just me then) (Light's Note- Yeah, Dumbledore wouldn't do that. If for no other reason than his name's not Albert. -_-) _he called as we left to our classes.

"What a fucking poser!" Draco shouted angrily as we went to Transfiguration. We were holding hands. Vampire looked really jealous. I could see him crying blood in a gothic way **(Get it? Way like Gerard)** _(EN: Love, your obsession with Gerard Way is both delusional and getting really, __really disturbing.) _but I didn't say anything. "I bet he's having a mid-life crisis!"Willow shouted._(EN: Hmm, can it be a mid-life crisis if he's over a hundred years old?)_

I was so fucking angry._ (EN: Ebony is only ever angry or horny. There is no middle ground.)_


	19. The One Where Cigarettes Contain Weed

**AN: Please stop flaming this story. **_(EN- Since you asked so nicely...)_** If you do then you're a fucking prep and you're jealous, ok!? **_(EN- Like most words, I don't think Tara understands what the word 'jealous' means.)_** From now on I'm going to delete your mean reviews! **_(EN- I hope you have a lot of time on your hands, darling. Oh wait, you wrote this. Clearly you do.) _** By the way, Ebony's a pure blood, so there! **_(EN- I expected as much.)_** Fangs to Raven for the help!**

All day we sat angrily thinking about Dumbledore. We were so fucking pissed off. Well, I had one thing to look forward too- the My Chemical Romance concert. It had been postponed, so we could all go. _(EN- Oh, God, we have to go through that shit again?!)_

I went to the common room to cut classes. Draco was being really secretive.

I asked what he was hiding and he got mad at me and started crying. He was so full of angst. **(Aren't sensitive bi guys so hot?)**. _(EN- Tara, you're about 10. I doubt you know any boys, let alone bi ones.)_

"No one fucking understands me!" he shouted angrily _(EN- Yay, teenage tantrums! But Draco, you're meant to say that to your parents. If parents weren't banned in this story.) _as his black hair went in his big, blue eyes. _(EN- Hare? Did he crash the Mad Hatter's tea party and steal the March Hare, then proceed to make him sit on his head?) _ Kind of like how Billy Joe Armstrong's hair falls in Boulevard of Broken Dreams. He was wearing black baggy paints, a black MCR t-shirt and a black die. (Get it? Instead of tie, because I'm Gothic) _(EN- *In Mr Garrison's voice: "No, honey, I get it because you're a total retard)_ I was wearing a black leather, low cut top with _chains all_ over it, _(EN-ALL of the bondage!) _a black leather mini, black high healed boots and a cross belly ring. _(EN- It's not a RING if it's a CROSS.) _My hair was up in a really high, messy bun like Amy Lee's hair in Going Under. **(Email me if you want to see the picture.)** _(EN- Nobody wants to see the picture.)_

"Excuse me? What about me?!" I growled.

"But-but-but-" he grunted. _(EN- Ahem, STUTTERED.)_

"You fucking bastard!" I moaned. _(EN- Eh, what? =S)_

"No! Wait! It's not what it fucking looks like!" he shouted. _(EN- What's not what it looks like?)_

But it was too late. I knew what I heard. I ran to the bathroom angrily._(EN- God, these kids are ridiculous. Taking 1__st__ World Problems to a whole new level.) _Draco banged on the door. _(EN- In the girls' bathroom?) _I wept as my bloody eyeliner streamed down my cheeks and made cool tears down my face. It looked like Benji's make-up in the video for Girls and Boys _(EN- Personally, I don't remember Benji Madden having excrement on his face in that video. Face, feces, same thing when you're Tara!) _**(Raven, that is so our video!)**. I took out a cigarette and started to smoke pot. _(EN- Okay, EXPLAIN THIS. Honey, there is not weed in cigarettes. I'm a smoker. Trust me, if there was pot in cigarettes I'd know by now. Dumb bitch.)_

Suddenly Hagrid came. He had apparated. _(EN- Because you can do that in Hogwarts. Dumbledore was only bullshitting when he stated multiple times that it was impossible.)_

"You gave me a fucking shock!" I shouted angrily, dropping my pot. "What the fuck do you think you're doing in the girl's room?"

Only it wasn't just Hagrid. Someone else was with him too! For a second I wanted it to be Tom Riddle or maybe Draco, but it was Dumbledore. _(EN- Who the fuck is Tom Rid? o.O)_

"Hey, I need to ask you a question." he said, pulling out his black wannabe-gothic purse. "What are you wearing to the concert?" _(EN- ...*KABOOM*. My head just exploded._

"You know who My Chemical Romance are?!" I gasped. _(EN- Bitch, please. Dumbledore's so hip, he used Instagram before Instagram was cool.)_

"No, I just saw there was a concert that a lot of goths and punks we're going to." He said. _(EN- Okay, no punk is ever, EVER going to be caught dead at a My Chem concert. EVER.)_

"Anyway, Draco has a surprise for you."

* * *

Editor's Note- A cliffhanger? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. How will I live on without knowing right this moment what Draco's surprise is?!

Personally, I hoping it's a time bomb with 4 seconds left, but more likely it's something with a deep sentimental value to Ebony. Like eyeliner or something.

-Light.


	20. The One Where Snape and Lupin Do 'It'

Editor's Note: It's quite upsetting that I'm completely traumatised by this chapter and the thing that I'm completely traumatised by has no impact on the plot. Granted, the character's clothes affect the plot more than the characters themselves, but still. Read on and see.

* * *

**AN: I said I don't care what you think! Stop flaming, okay preps? Fangs to Raven for the help! Oh yeah, by the way, I'll be on vacation in Transylvania for the next 3 days so don't expect any updates. **_(EN: What's the betting she went somewhere like California and didn't want to admit it because it's not 'goffic' enough?)_

All day I wondered what the surprise was. Meanwhile, I put on a black leather mini, _(EN: She seems to wear leather an awful lot, is it not really uncomfortable?) _a black corset with purple lace all over it, and black Gothic combat boots. MCR were going to do the concert again, since Voldemort had taken over the last one. I slit my wrists while I moshed to MCR in my bedroom all night, feeling excited. Suddenly someone knocked on the door while I was trying on some black clothes and moshing to 'Thank You for the Venom'. I got all mad and turned it off, but secretly I hoped inside that it was Draco so we could do it again. _(EN: Before this sentence was edited, my first thought was you're in no condition to be having sex, Ebony! Your wrists are missing you've slit them so often, your guts are mad and you're sacredly hopping. That's how much I'm being affected by this story.)_

"What the fucking hell are you doing!" I shouted angrily. It was Lupin! "Are you going to come rape me or what," I yelled. I was allowed to say that because Dumbledore had told us all to be careful around him and Snape since he was a paedophile. _(EN: Last I checked, 'being careful' wasn't quite the same as yelling at them.)_

"No, actually, can I please borrow some condoms," he growled angrily.

"Yeah, so you can fuck you're six-year-old girlfriend, huh?" I shouted sarcastically. _(EN: Why does Ebony assume he has sex with _six year olds_? Is it because he video-taped her in the bathtub, or did she just decide one day?)_

"Fucker," He said, going away.

Well anyway, I put on some black eye-shadow, black eye-liner, and some black lipstick and white foundation. Then I went. Then I gasped … Snape and Lupin were in the middle of the empty hall, doing it, and Dobby was watching! _(EN: I can physically feel the last of my will to live shriveling up and dying. Soon I'll be as air-headed and 'deprezzed' as Ebony herself and Light will kick me out onto the street.)_

"Oh my god, you ludicrous idiot!" they both shouted angrily when they saw me. _(EN: I can't believe I'm saying this, but why is she the idiot? You're two teachers going it in the middle a school corridor.)_ Dobby ran away, crying. They got up, though. Normally I would have been turned on (I love seeing guys do it) but both of them were fucking preps. (By the way, Snape is moved to Gryffindor now)

"What the fuck is that? Is this why you wanted condoms?" I asked sadistically. (See I spelled that) _(EN: Yes. Yes, you did. But despite the fact it makes about as much sense as anything in your story, I don't think it means what you think it does.)_

"Only you wouldn't give them to me!" Lupin shouted angrily.

"Well you should have told me," I replied.

"You dimwit!" Snape began to shout angrily. And then … I took out my black camera and took a picture of them. You could see that they were naked and everything.

"Well excuse me!" they both shouted angrily. "What was that all about?"

"It was to blackmail you," I snarled. "So now next time you see me doing it with my boyfriend you can't fucking rat me out or I'll show this to Dumbledore. So fuck off, you bastards!" I started to run. They chased me but I threw my wand at them and they tripped over it. _(EN: Wouldn't it have been a little more effective to hex them or something. I surprised _throwing_ your wand at the worked.) _Well anyway, I went outside and there was Vampire, looking extremely fucking hot.

"What the fuck? Where's Draco?" I asked him.

"Oh, he's being a fucking bastard. He told me he wouldn't come," Vampire said, shaking his head _(EN: Draco finally shows a couple of brain cells and ditches her! Whip out the booze, people. It's going to be a celebration!)_. "You want to come with me? To the concert?"

Then he showed me his flying car. I gasped. _(EN: Why is she so shocked? Draco has one, she's ridden in it.) _It was a black car. He said his godfather Sirius Black had given it to him. The licence plate on the front said MCR666 on it. The one on the back said 'EBONY' on it.

I gasped. _(EN: Christ, are you sure you don't have some sort of breathing problem. You should probably get that checked out, along with the crying tears of blood thing and the fact that you never run out of wrists to cut.) _

We flew to the concert hall. MCR were there, playing.

Vampire and I began to make out, moshing to the music. _(EN: Don't you have a boyfriend? And didn't you throw an absolute fit when you learned that he dated the boy you're making out with now before you got together? Hypocrisy isn't a nice trait, Ebony. You'd want to work on that.) _I gasped, looking at the band.

I almost had an orgasm. Gerard was so fucking hot! _(EN: That's not how orgasms work, honey.) _He begin to sing 'Helena' and his sexy, beautiful voice began to fill the hall. And then, I heard some crying. I turned and saw Draco, crying in a corner. _(EN: What's he doing crying in a corner? Didn't he do one intelligent thing in his life and ditch her?) _


	21. The One Where Light's A Homophone

Editor's Note – Liv's making me pizza. Bitches love pizza.

-Light.

* * *

**AN: Fuck you, ok?! **You** fucking suck. It's not my fault if it's spelled wrong, ok, because that bitch Raven was supposed to fix it. Fuck you preps! Whoops, sorry, Raven, fangs for the help. **_(EN- Uhh, I thought Raven was a bitch right now?) _**By the way, Transylvania rocks hard! **_(EN- And you would know how?) _**I even got to go to the castle where Dracula was filmed! **_(EN- Calling your bullshit.)_

Later we all went into the school. Draco was crying in the common room. "Draco, are you okay?" I asked in a gothic voice. _(EN- How does one talk in a gothic voice? Really, I want to know.)_

"No, I'm not, you fucking bitch!" he shouted angrily. _(EN- Why can't my boyfriends be like him? ='[)_He started to run out of the common room in a suicidal way. _(EN- HOW do you run in a suicidal way? I bet he was carrying scissors the wrong way. Silly Draco.)_ I stated to cry because I was afraid he would commit suicide. _(EN- Eh, pretty sure he already did that. I don't know when he got back actually. Or why it was never mentioned again. Look, Ebony, I don't think you need to worry about Draco killing himself. He's like a far, far inferior Kenny McCormick.)_

"It's ok, Ebony." said Vampire, comfortingly "Ill make him feel better."

"You mean you'll go fuck him, don't you?!" I shouted angrily. _(EN- Ahahaha, bitch, calm down.) _Then I ran to get Draco. Vampire came too.

"Draco please come back!" he began to cry. Tears of blood came down his pale face. I was so turned on because I love sensitive bi guys. _(EN- That right there. Being turned on by that? That's not okay. You have some serious mental issues.) _(If your a homophone, then fuck off!) _(EN- If I'm a word that pronounce like another word, but means a different thing, I'm not allowed be here? Kay. Leaving 'homophone' in there because it makes me giggle.)_

Then we heard some footsteps! Vampire got out his black invisibility cloak. _(EN- Black invisibilty cloak. BLACK invisibility cloak. *Dies.* Actually, it was originally 'blak invincibility coke, so I'll just assume it's something completely different and hopefully fatal.) _We both got under it. We saw the caretaker, Mr. Filch, there, _(EN – 'saw the janitor, Mr. Norris, there.' NO. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. Bad Tara! Bad!)_ shouting angrily with a flashlight in his hand.

"WHO'S THERE?!" he shouted angrily. We saw Mrs. Norris arrive. She came under the invisibility cloak and started to meow loudly.

"IS ANY ONE THERE!" yelled Mr. Filch.

"No! Fuck you, you preppy little poser son of a fucking bitch!" Vampire said under his breath _(EN- Breast o.0)_ in a disgusted way.

"EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME! WHO SAID THAT?!" yelled Mr. Filch. Then he heard Mrs. Norris meow. "Mrs. Norris, is there anyone under the cloak!" he asked. _(EN- Is there anyone under the floating invisibility cloak which I appear to know is there? *Headdesk.) _Mrs. Norris nodded. _(EN- That's really helpful. It's not like you're still under the cloak or anything._ And then Vampire frenched me! _(EN- Time and a place, Vampire, you horny little boy.) _He did it just as Filch was taking of the cloak!

"WHAT THE-" he yelled, but it was 2 late. We ran away as fast as we could. _(EN- While still shoving their tongues down each others' throats.) _And then we saw Draco crying and slitting his wrists outside of the school. _(EN- Yeah, that's not at all attention seeking.)_

"Draco!" I cried. "Are you okay?"

"I guess so." Draco wept. _(EN- Everyone knows slitting your wrists does no damage whatsoever -_-)_ We went back to our coffins frenching each other. _(EN- As you do.) _Draco and I decided to watch Lake Placid (See, isn't that depressing?) _(EN- Eh, no. That was a horror comedy. God.)_ on the gothic red bed together. _(EN- I though you had coffins.) _As I was about to put in the video, _(EN- because people still watch videos, apparently.)_ my eyes rolled up and suddenly I had a vision of something that was happening now. _(EN- Dear sweet mother of Christ.) _There was a knock on the door and Fudge and some members of the Ministry of Magic walked into the school! _(EN- Ebony, if your vision told you about Fudge appearing, you're new found power is about as useless as Alice Cullen's. Also, did he walk in to the school, or your bedroom? Bah.)_

* * *

Editor's Note- I got my pizza =).

Om nom nom nom nom.

This chapter just me facepalming repeatedly. And here I though this story couldn't get any more ridiculous.

A few minutes ago I was watching a video on Youtube called 'Don't watch an anime called Boku no Pico.' I learned a valuable lesson from it.

DON'T WATCH AN ANIME CALLED BOKU NO PICO!

-Light.


	22. The One Where the Caps Lock is Raped

Editor's Note: The diagnosis is as follows: Caps Lock Button has had a mental breakdown due to the abuse and rape committed by one Tara Gilesbie. Immediate therapy is highly recommended.

* * *

**AN: Shut the fuck up! Preps, stop flaming, okay? If you don't like it fuck off I know it's Mr. Filch, it's Raven's fault, okay?! **_(EN: So it's Raven's fault you haven't read the books, then? Oh, and you got it wrong again.) _**You suck! No, just kidding, Raven you fucking rock. Preps suck!**

All day everyone talked about the Ministry of Magic. _(EN: Haha, Misery of Magic. It's surprisingly apt.) _Well anyway, I woke up the next day. I was in my coffin so I opened the door. I was wearing black lacy leather pyjamas. _(EN: _Leather_ pyjamas? Isn't the point of pyjamas to be comfortable? They sound horrific, like some sort of torture device.)_ Then I gasped.

Standing in front of me where … Bloody Mary, Vampire, Diabolo, Draco, Dracula and Willow!

I opened my crimson eyes. _(EN: Wait, what? Did you really wake up, get out of your coffin, and gasp at the fact your friends were there - all without opening your eyes? Are your eyelids see through or something?)_ Willow was wearing a tight black leather top with pictures of bloody roses all over it. Under that she wore a black poofy skirt wit lace on it and black Gothic boots that was attached to the top. Vampire was wearing a baggy Simple Plan t-shirt and baggy black pants and Vans. _(EN: I assume Vans are items of clothing, so I'm leaving it. Also, it makes me giggle at the image of Vampire strapping toy vans to his feet and skating around on them all day.) _Draco was wearing a black MCR t-shirt and black jeans and a leather jacket. He looked just like Gerard Way, and almost as fucking sexy. Vampire looked like Joel Madden. Bloody Mary was wearing a tight black poofy Gothic dress that she had ripped so it showed of all her cleavage with a white apron that said 'Bitch' and other swear words _(EN: Not going to tell us what they are, no? I'm surprised.) _and MCR lyrics on it kind of like one dress I had seen Amy Lee wear once. Darkness (who is Ginny) was there too. She was weaving a ripped Gothic black dress with ripped stuff all over it and a lace-up top thing _(EN: 'A lace up top thing', I think you mean a corset, dear.) _and black pointy boots. So were Crabbe and Goyle. _(EN: WHAT? Crabbe and Goyle were wearing Gothic black dresses and corsets?) _It turns out that Darkness, Diabolo, Crabbe and Goyle's dad was a vampire._(EN: Does everyone apart from Ebony and Bloody Mary just have the same parents? Thay all have the same back-story.)_ He committed suicide by slitting his wrists with a razor. _(EN: And again I say, _you_ said vampires couldn't die from slit wrists. If you're going to make your vampires almost as retarded than the Twilight ones at least get your facts straight. At least yours don't sparkle.) _He had raped them and stuff before too. They all got so depressed that they became Gothic and converted to Satanism.

"OH MY FUCKING GOD!" I yelled as I jumped up. "Why the fuck are you all here?"

"Ebony, something is really fucked up," Draco said. _(EN: Yeah, your corpse is walking around.) _

"OK but I need to put my fucking clothes on first." I shouted angrily.

"It's all right. We have to go now and you look kawaii anyway. You're so fucking beautiful," Draco said in a sexy voice.

"Oh, all right." I said smiling. "But you have to tell me why you're being all secretive." _(EN: BWAHAHAHAHA. 'You have to tell me why you're being all erective.')_

"I will I will." he said.

So I just put on some black eye-liner, black lipstick, red eye-shadow and white foundation. Then I came. _(EN: Do you ever do anything else?) _We all went outside the Great Hall and looked in from a window. A fucking prep called Brittany from Gryffindor was standing next to us. She was wearing a pink mini and a Hilary Duff t-shirt so we put up our middle fingers at her. Inside the Great Hall we could see Dumbledore. Cornelius Fudge was there, shouting at Dumbledore. Dolores Umbridge was there too.

"THIS CANNOT BE!" she shouted angrily. "THE SCHOOL MUST BE CLOSED!"

"THE DARK LORD IS PLANNING TO KILL THE STUDENTS!" yelled Cornelius Fudge.

"YOU ARE NOT FIT TO BE THE PRINCIPAL ANY LONGER!" yelled Umbridge. "YOU ARE TOO OLD AND YOUR ALZHEIMERS IS DANGEROUS! YOU MUST RETIRE OR VOLDEMORT WILL KILL YOUR STUDENTS!"

"Very well." Dumbledore said angrily. "But we cannot do this. We can't close the school. There is only one person who is capable of killing Voldemort and she is in the school. And her name is … Ebony Darkness Dementia Raven Way."

Draco, Crabbe, Goyle, Darkness, Willow, Vampire and Bloody Mary looked at each other … I gasped. _(EN: Bit of a delayed reaction there, no?)_


	23. The One With All The Sex Changes

Editor's Note- Ahh, sorry for the break, guys. (Willington, I'm so very, very sorry -_-) I have a few excuses. The most prominent of which being Homestuck causing me to have a mental breakdown and beating my friend with two hats in the middle of a pub. True story.

I'm editing this while listening to Shia LeBeouf (Actual Cannibal). It makes way too much sense.

Bah, on with My Immortal. The brief glimpse I've gotten of this chapter suggests it's gonna be a good one!  
And since it's been awhile... Liv? I'm cooler than you =)

* * *

**AN: Shut the fuck up, bitches! You're just jealous because I got 10,000 reviews!** _(EN- Honey, 10,000 reviews telling you to go kill yourself isn't something to be proud of =])_** Fangs to Raven for the help and for telling me about the books**! _(EN- Because we all know Tara can't read.) **Girl, you**_** rock. Let's go shopping together**! _(EN- Shopping in Hot Topic. Ugh, conformists.)_

The door opened and Professor Umbridge and Cornelius Fudge stomped out angrily. _(EN- Cornelia Fudge? Is there something you'd like to tell us, Minister?)_ Then Dumbledore and Umbridge saw us. _(EN- Sawed us. SAWED us. Can someone who's NOT a total retard tell us the past tense of the verb 'to see' please?)_

"MS. WAY, WHAT THE BEEP ARE YOU DOING?!" Umbridge shouted angrily. _(EN- Mr. Way? ALL OF THE TRANSGENDER. All of it.)_ Dumbledore glared at her.

"Oops, she made a mistake!" he corrected her. "She means 'Hi everybody, come in!'" _(EN- Yep, same thing. Obviously.)_

Well we all entered angrily. _(EN- How does one enter a room angrily? Stomping? Slamming doors? They walked into the room like petulant five year olds, is what I'm gathering.) _So did all the other students. I sat between Darkness and Draco and opposite B'loody Mary. Crab and Goyle started to make some morbid jokes. They both looked exactly like Ville Valo. _(EN- So Crabbe and Goyle happen to be the secret triplets of a Finnish rock artist. Kay.) _I ate some Count Chocula and drank some blood from a cup._(EN- Conformist -_-)_ Then I heard someone shouting angrily. I looked behind me. It was Vampire! He and Draco were shouting at each other. _(EN- Shooting? Guns are bad, m'kay?)_

"Vampire, Draco, what the fuck?" I asked. _(EN- In an absolutely deadpan voice. Like, WTF, guys? -_-)_

"You fucking bastard!" yelled Draco "I want to sit next to her!" _(EN-AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. 'Shit next to her.' That is a thing of beauty.)_

"No, I do!" shouted.

"No, she doesn't fucking like you, you son of a bitch!" yelled Draco.

"No, fuck you, motherfucker, she loves me! Not you!" shouted Vampire. And then he jumped on Draco! **(No, not in that way, you pervert.)** _(EN- Yeah, Tara, 'cause WE'RE the perverts here.) _They started to fight and beat up each other. _(EN- Well, that escalated quickly.)_

Dumbledore yelled at them but they didn't stop. Then a terrible man with red eyes and no nose flew in on his broomstick. He had no nose _(EN- Yeah, we got that, thanks.) _and was wearing a gray robe. All the glass in the window he flew through shattered. Britney, that fucking prep started to cry. _(EN- Fucking Britney. Everyone hates the bitch. ...Who the fuck is Britney?!)_ Vampire and Draco stopped fighting and I stopped eating. _(EN- Ah, sub-plot!) _Everyone gasped. The room fell silent. It was Voldemort! _(EN- Oh, wow, really?)_

"Ebony…Ebony…" Voldemort _(EN- __Darth Valer o.O)_ said cruelly. "Thou have failed your mission. Now I shall kill thou and I shall kill Vampire as well. If thou does not kill him now, then I shall kill Draco too!"

"Please don't make me kill him! Please!" I begged.

"No!" he laughed evilly. _(EN- MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA) _ "Kill him, or I shall kill him anyway!" Then he flew away cackling. _(EN- So, he comes in, announces his plan, tells Ebony to kill Vampire and then just leaves? Wow, whoever does his scheming really needs to be fired.)_

I burst into tears. Draco and Vampire came to comfort me. _(EN- Yeah, it's not like you're supposed to kill them or anything. Of course they'd happily approach you.)_ Suddenly my eyes rolled up so they looked all cool and gothic. _(EN- ...The fuck does that work?)_ I had a vision were I saw some lighting flash and then Voldemort coming to kill Draco while Draco slit his wrists in a depressed way. _(EN- Oh, wow, you saw exactly what Voldemort told you would happen with a side order of Draco's average Tuesday night! Worst. Power. Ever.)_

"No!" I screamed sexily._ (EN- No. No, no, no. No.)_ Suddenly I looked up and my premonition stopped

"Ebony! Ebony, are you alright?" asked Draco in a worried voice.

"Yeah, yeah." I said sadly as I got up.

"Everything's all right, Ebony." said Vampire. _(EN- With a lisp, by the look of that 'everyfing's')_

"No, it's not!" I shouted angrily. Tears of blood streamed down my face. _(EN- That's something you should probably see someone about.)_

"Oh, my fucking God! What if I'm getting possessed, like in 'The Ring 2'?!" _(EN- Yes. Because when I have a vision after being told to murder the 'luff off mii liife' my immediate concern is being forced to re-enact Japanese horror movies. Though I doubt Tara has ever seen the Japanese versions, to be fair.)_

"It's okay, girl." said B'loody Mary. "Maybe you should ask Professor Sinistra about what the visions mean, though."

"Ok, bitch." I said sadly _(EN- YOU ARE A HORRIBLE FRIEND.) _and then we left.

* * *

Editor's Note- I have a few things to say about this. First off, why did they go into the room? It served no purpose whatsoever. Secondly, why are Umbridge and Dumbledore just chilling there while Voldemort flies through a window? Which is what you do when you can't apparate, clearly.

Why does everyone look like emo singers? Why have so many people swapped gender? Why does Harry have a lisp? What happened to Fudge? Will this story ever make sense? WHO THE FUCK IS BRITNEY?

So many South Park references in my ENs today. And a few from Alex Day. One Homestuck. Man, I'm on a roll. Virtual Ebony voodoo dolls to whoever can catch them all.

-Light.


	24. The One With Split Personalities

EN: This was the chapter when the awful thought occurred to me that Tara was basing her version of Hogwarts off her own school … I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight.

And Light, we are not starting this shit again.

* * *

**AN: Preps, stop flaming the story you're just jealous. **_(EN: I side with Light, here. Why would we be jealous of 10'000 so-called 'flames'.) _**So fuck you, okay? Go to hell! Raven fangs for the help!**

Well, we had Divination next so I got to ask Professor Trelawney about the visions.

"Konnichiwa, everybody come in," said Professor Sinistra in Japanese. _(EN: Sinister? I thought the teacher was Proff Trevolry? You said it IN THE PREVIOUS SENTENCE!) _She smiled at me with her Gothic black lipstick. She's the coolest fucking teacher ever. She had long, dead, black hair _(EN: She has long, dead, black hair? That sounds extremely unattractive, I mean hair is usually dead, but really!_) with blood red tips and red eyes. (Her Mom was a vampire. She's also half Japanese so she speaks it and everything. She and Bloody Mary get along great.) _(EN: Does anyone else find it strange that the whole school knows a teachers backstory, and she's great friends with one of the students? Because Tara doesn't.) _She's really young for a teacher. _(EN: Because old people can't be cool at all. They just have Alzheimers.) _Today she was wearing a black leather top with red lace and a long Gothic black ripped dress. We went inside the black classroom with posters of Emily the Strange.I raised my hand. I was wearing some black nail polish with red pentagrams on it.

"What is it, Ebony?" she asked. "Hey, I love your nail polish. Where'd you get it, Hot Topic?"

"Yeah," I answered. All the preps who didn't know what Hot Topic was gave me weird looks. _(EN: With the way you're always going on about it, I'd have thought even the blondest preps would know Hot Topic by now. Half the school's population doesn't wear anything else.) _I gave them the middle finger. _(EN: Ebony, Ebony, Ebony, why must you always be such a bitch?) _"Well I have to talk to you about some things. When do you want to do it?"

"How about now?" she asked. _(EN: Don't you have a class to teach? No?I suppose no-one ever learns anything there anyway, so it doesn't matter much. But still.)_

"Okay," I said.

"Okay, class fucking dismissed everyone," Professor Trelawney said, _(EN: and now we're back to Trevolry. Where'd Sinister go? Or are they just split personalities?) _and she let everyone go. "Except for you, Brittany," she pointed at Brittany and some other preps. _(EN: Are all the preps called Brittany now? Learn from Tara, people, Preps aren't worth individual names and identities!) _"Please do exorcize **(Get it?)** 1 on page 3."

"Okay, I'm having lots of visions," I said in a worried voice. "I'm so worried. Is Draco going to die?"

Well, she gave me a black crystal ball to look in. I looked at it.

"What do you see?" she asked.

I said, "I see a black, Gothic skull and a pentagram."

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. I looked at it. It was Draco. He was looking really sexy wearing a black leather jacket, a black Gothic Linkin Park t-shirt and black Converse shoes.

"Okay you can go now, see you, cunt," said Professor Sinistra. _(EN: Because, it's completely normal and appropriate from teachers to call students 'cunts'. Also, Ebony couldn't have been in there 5 minutes, you cancelled class to have her look at skulls and pentagrams?)_

"Bye, bitch," I said, waving. _(EN: And she didn't get detention? Wait, she's 'goffic' and when you're goffic you're just too cool not to swear.)_

I went to Draco and Vampire was sitting next to him. We both followed Draco together and I was so exhibited. _(EN: … Exhibited? Exhibited? I suppose she would feel exhibited with all the leather she wears, but why is she thinking about now? Her precious Draco is going to be murdered. It could be __'excited' misspelled, but that makes even less sense in the context. "Oh yay, I can't wait Draco's going to die." It's seems more the reaction of the readers than Draco's supposed true love.)_


	25. The One With Justin

Editor's Note- Liv doesn't know it yet, but at some point in the next few hours I'm kidnapping her and making her watch South Park with me =)

Liv, I think we should start this shit again.

* * *

**AN: Stop flaming, okay?! If you don't, then I'll tell Justin to beat you up! **_(EN- I have no idea who Justin is, but please, please do. Tell him to come to Ireland and beat me up. I will give you my address. And the travel fare. And from now on, I'm going to assume Justin is Justin Beiber. For the extra lulz.) _** And I'll tell all the nerds to put a virus in your computer! **_(EN- I AM A NERD! MWAHAHA) _** FUCK YOU! Raven, fangs for the help!**

I was so excited. I followed Draco, wondering if we were going to do it again. We went outside and then we got into Draco's black car.

"Ebony, what the fuck did Professor Trelawny say?" whispered Draco, putting his gothic white hand with black nail polish on mine. _(EN- What do gothic hands look like? Because I'm imagining Nosferatu's.)_

"She said she would tell me what the visions mean tomorrow." I grumbled in a sexy voice. _(EN – Oh, that sexy voice. -Swoons-)_ He took out some heroin and gave it to me. He started to fly the car into a tree. We went to the top of it. Draco put on some My Chemical Romance.

"And all the things that you never ever told me  
And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me." sang Gerard's sexy voice. _(EN- That is a really depressing song. Why would you want to have sex to that? You should play something fun. Like Nyan Cat.) We started pulling off each other's clothes_ He took off my black thong and my black leather bra. _(EN- That sounds horrendously uncomfortable.)_I took off his black boxers. _(EN- Were they leather?)_ Then he put his throbbing you-know-what in my tool sexily. _(EN-Jesus Christ, if you're not able to use the words 'penis', 'vagina' or any real variations, you're too young to be writing sex, dear. Or even thinking about sex. Go play with your Bratz dolls.)_

"Oh, my fucking God! Draco, Draco!" I screamed as I had an orgasm. _(EN- Shortest, most unsatisfactory sex ever, I bet.) _We started frenching passively. _(EN- I left 'passively' there because I can completely see it happening. Particularly with the next line.)_ Suddenly… I fell asleep. I started having a dream. In it, a black guy was shooting two gothic men with long black hair. _(EN- Yay, racism! -_-)_

"No! Please don't fucking kill us!" they pleaded but he just kept shooting them. _(EN- Word of advice, don't swear at the person who's shooting you -_-.)_ He left in a red car.

"No! Oh, my fucking god!" I shouted in a scared voice.

"Ebony, what's wrong?" Draco asked me as I woke up opening my icy blue eyes. _(EN- I could have sworn you said you're eyes were red two chapters ago. In fact, I know you did. I noted it because I already have the red contacts I need for my 'My Immortal' cosplay. Yes, I am serious.)_

I started to cry and tears of blood streamed down my face. I told Draco to call Vampire. He did it with his black Linkin Park mobile. But the worst thing was who the people who were shot in the dream. They were Lucius and Sirius! _(EN- Lucius died his hair then, yeah? God, hairdressers make all their money off retarded wizards.)_

* * *

Editor's Note- Nom, curry noodles =D

How the FUCK did I get ANOTHER sex scene? ='(

Yeah, Liv and I are doing a My Immortal cosplay. It's gonna be a while because I have a fuckton of Homestuck I wanna do first, but we'll keep you updated.


	26. The Once Where Tara Cheats at Narration

EN: This chapter was worse then usual for the translating. Tara's little AN _(See is that out of character?) _was originally**(c is da toot of crakter) **yeah, it took a couple of minutes to figure out.

And Light? No. *Stern face*

* * *

**AN: PREPS STOP FLAMING THE STORY, OKAY?! If you don't like the story then go fuck yourself, you fucking prep! YOU SUCK! Oh, and I wasn't being racist, okay? **_(EN: Yes, you were.)_

A few minutes later Vampire came to the tree. He was wearing a black leather Jackson, black leather pants and a Good Charlotte t-shirt.

"Hi Vampire," I said, flirting, as I started to sob. _(EN: Is it wrong that I'm impressed with Ebony here? She's not just bipolar, she can show two personalities at once.)_ Draco hugged me sexily, trying to comfort me. I started to cry tears of blood and then told them what happened. _(EN: I don't understand how everyone in this story hasn't died of blood loss yet. Between slit wrists and vampires noming on Hufflepuffs and the non-stop crying tears of blood, they should all have just shrivelled up by now.)_

"Oh, fuck it!" Vampire shouted angrily. He started to cry sadly. _(EN: Yes, crying is generally an expression of sadness.) _"What fucking dick did that!" _(EN: Some black guy apparently … and Tara says she's not racist.)_

"I don't know," I said. "Now come on, we have to tell Dumbledore."

We ran out of the tree and in to the castle. Dumbledore was sitting in his office.

"Sir, our dads have been shot!" Draco said while we wiped some tears from his white face. "Ebony had a vision in a dream." _(EN: If I was in charge of a school and somebody came and said this, I'd laugh them out of my office.)_

Dumbledore started to chuckle. "Hahahaha! And how do you expect me to know Ebony's not delusional?"

I glared at Dumbledore.

"Look motherfucker." he said angrily as Dumbledore gasped **(See, is that out of character?).**_(EN: Yes. I refuse to believe Draco would ever walk into Dumbledore's office going "Look, motherfucker". Even though it's a hysterical image.)_ "You know very well that I'm not delusional._(EN: Apparently Draco and Ebony are one in the same now. I suppose they both have as much personality as a cardboard box.)_ Now get some fucking people out there to look for Sirius and Lucius- pronto!" _(EN: This originally had "pornto". Word cannot describe how tempted I was to leave it like that. Also, when does Draco call his father by his first name?)_

"Okay," he said in a intimated voice. "Were are they?" _(EN: because Dumbledore would ever be intimidated by Draco. Astronomy Tower, anyone?)_

I thought about it. Then, all of a sudden … "London," I said. I told him which went and called some people and did some stuff. _(EN: Because Tara cheats at narration as much as Stephenie Meyer, she's just more upfront about it.) _After a few minutes he came back and said people were going out looking for them. After a while someone called him again. He said that they had been found. Draco, Vampire and I all left for our rooms together. I went with Draco to wait in the nurses office while Vampire went to slit his wrists in his room. _(EN: I thought they were all going to their rooms? Unless their rooms are in the nurses office where they can all get immediate healing for when they slit their wrists.) _We looked at each other's Gothic, depressed eyes. Then, we kissed. _(EN: Not a sex scene. Please, not a sex scene.) _Suddenly Sirius and Lucius came in on stretchers and Professor Sinistra was behind them! _(EN: Thank God!)_


	27. The One With The Worst Plan Ever

Editor's Note- In Ireland we have this thing called The Late Late Toy Show. It's basically a Christmas special where this tool called Ryan Tubridy annoys a lot of children on a stage. There's all the main new toys of the year, choirs, celebrities endorsing products and all that shit.

Last night I watched it for the first time in about 10 years. While playing a drinking game. As a result, I know have a bottle of Huzzar vodka, which I cannot drink, and 10 cans of Rock Shandy in my possession. At this very moment, I'm working my way through the Rock Shandy alongside a bowel of red onion and mayonnaise. I love my life.

Liv- Aww =(

-Light.

**AN:You know what?! I don't give a fuck what you preps think about me! So stop flaming the fucking story bitches! Fangs to Raven for your love, support and help. I love you, girl. Sorry I couldn't update, LOL. **_(En-I'm not sorry.)_** I was really depressed and I slit my wrists. I had to go to the hospital. **_(EN- Yeah, because that actually happened -_-) _**Raven, you rock, girl! **

Everyone in the room started to cry happily. I had saved them. Draco, Lucius, Sirius and Vampire all came to hug me. The nurse started to give them medicine.

"Come on, Ebony." said Professor Trelawney. _(EN- This said Professor Sinatra. I'm guessing she meant Sinistra and I'm also assuming that she really meant Trelawney.) _She was wearing a gothic, black leather dress with a corset top and real vampire blood on it _(EN- Was it Rufus Scrimgeour's? =) )_ and black, platform boots. "I have to tell you about the fucking premonition." _(EN- STOP. SWEARING.)_

I locked at Lucius, Sirius, Draco and Vampire. They nodded.

I smiled happily and went into a dark room. Professor Trelawney took out some black cards. She started to look into a black crystal ball. "Tara, I see that dark times are near." She said sadly. She peered into the ball. "You see, you must go back in time." _(EN-...Wait, what?)_ She took out a Time-Turner like B'loody Mary had. "When Voldemort _(EN- Introducing new Voldemints! They're lethal AND delicious!) _was in Hogwarts, before he became powerful, he got his heart broken. Now do you think he would still become Voldemort if he was in love?" I shook my head. _(EN- I disagree.)_ "You must go back in time and seduce him. It is the only way. If he is still evil then you must kill him. You can come to my room tomorrow and you can do it." _(EN- That is an AWFUL plan. Horrendous. Breaking into the White House dressed as zombie Nyan Cat with and axe while singing Shia Lebeouf [Actual Cannibal] is a better idea than this. Seriously.)_

"Okay." I said sadly. I went outside again.

"What fucking happened?" asked Draco and Vampire.

"Yeah, what happened?" asked Darkness, Willow and B'loody Mary. _(EN- Because you won't get an answer unless you all ask.)_

I was about to tell them but everyone was there. They were celebrating Lucius and Sirius being found. Everyone was proud of me but I just wanted to talk to Draco. They were cheering my name and some reporters were there, trying to interview Dumbledore. A banner was put up. _(En- I haven't read the last chapter so I don't know what actually happened, but this seems like a lot of fuss over an assumed murderer and a Death Eater.) _Lots of fucking preps were there, obviously trying to be be gothic. _(EN- Was Britney there? I bet Britney was there. That whore.) _They were wearing the HIM sign on their hands- despite them not having actually heard of HIM. _(EN- So they know the Heartogram but not HIM? Yeah, whatever.) _Even Mrs. Norris looked happy. _(EN- She said Mr Noris, so I don't know if she meant Mrs. Norris or Mr. Filch. But Mrs. Norris was a Maincoone in the movies and I love Maincoones. So I picked her.) _A black and red cake had been brought out. _(EN- That does not in the least bit sound appetising.)_ Crabbe and Goyle set up some fireworks in the shape of skulls from Weasley's Wizard Wheezes.

I put on my Invisibility cloak with Vampire and Draco and we sneaked outside together. _(EN- For no apparent reason.)_

Editor's Note- Not much to say about this chapter. Same shit again, really.

I'm off to drink my bodyweight in Rock Shandy =D

-Light.


	28. The Chapter Where Liv Assumes

EN: Well folks, it took me twenty-eight chapters to get here, but I finally have a sex scene. Actually it's not a scene, it's a chapter. It's also the chapter where Liv assumes. I assume everything in this chapter because there is no way this chapter can make sense without a truckload of guesswork.

* * *

**AN: I said stop flaming the story it was a mistake when Professor Trelawney said that, okay?**_(EN: I assume this is supposed to be Trelawney. It said Relory before. But another thing, there was no Trelawney in the last chapter, there was a Sinister/ Sinatra, but no Trelawney.)_** GO TO FUCKING HELL! YOU SUCK! **_(EN: Does anyone want to bet that there's no chapter where she yells at people or calls them preps for flaming her story/ telling her it's shit? No? Didn't think so.) _**Fangs to Fily for the help! Raven have fun with kiwi! **_(EN: Here, I'm assuming nothing. I have no honest to God clue what she's talking about. What is she doing with a kiwi? Whyis it worth mentioning that she has a kiwi?)_

We went into a black room. The walls were black with portraits of Gothic bands like MCR, GC and Marlin Mason all over them. A big black coffin was in the middle. Red velvet lined the black box. There were three chairs made of bones with real skulls in them. I was wearing a black corset bra with purple stuff on it, fishnet stockings and a black leather thong underneath. _(EN: Never mind the leather bras. But a leather thong? Seriously? Is that even a thing? Also, how on earth does she have so much clothes? Honestly she changes her clothes about four times a day and none of them are the same. How does she have the money for them all? All she does is skip classes have extremely bad sex and go to concerts.)_

I sat down one of the chairs dispiritedly. So did Draco and Vampire.

"Are you okay?" Vampire asked, putting his alabaster hand on mine. _(EN: Because Vampire has hands made of calcite.) _He was wearing black nail polish. I was wearing black nail polish with red crosses on it.

"Yeah, I guess," I said sadly. Draco also put his hand on mine sexily. I smiled sadly with my black lipstick. "The problem is … I have to seduce Voldemort. I'll have to go back in time." _(EN: Why's that a problem? Ebony's sole purpose in life is seduction.)_

Draco started to cry sadly. Vampire hugged him. _(EN: Anyway, what's up with them? She's the one travelling through time. Can't she just return to the moment she left? They won't miss her at all. Granted no-one would miss her even if she was gone for good.)_

"It's okay, Ebony," he said finally. "But what about me? You're not going to break up or anything, are you?"_(EN: Logic would say yes. Especially if she's going to be seducing another guy.)_

"Of course not!" I gasped. _(EN: But then, we always knew Ebony wasn't the most logical person there.)_

"Really?" he asked.

"Sure," I said.

We frenched sexily. Vampire looked at us longingly. _(EN: How is that not weird to the two people who decided to snog in front of him?)_

Then … I took off Draco's MCR shirt and seductively took of his pants. _(EN: You're not alone in the room) _He was hung like a stallion. He had replaced the Vampire tattoo that said Ebony on it. Black roses were around it. I gasped. _(EN: I can understand the gasping here, he got a tattoo for her and spelled her name wrong.) _He looked exactly like Gerard Way. _(EN: What on earth? Did he just start out as Draco and _evolve_ into Gerard Way? Because otherwise that's just ridiculous. And yes, I am aware that this sort of comparison has happened before and I'm just getting around to commenting on it now.) _Vampire took a video camera. (I had said it was okay before).

I took of my clothes then we were in for the ride of our lives. _(EN: Doubtful.)_

We started frenching as we climbed into the coffin. _(EN: Haven't you been frenching for the past five minutes?)_ He put his dick in my you-know-what and passionately we did it. _(EN: I will never forgive the universe for this. Ever.)_

"I love you Ebony. Oh let me feel you I need to feel you," he screamed as we got an orgasm. We watched Vampire filmed everything perfectly. Suddenly….

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?" _(EN: Is it Dumbledore with a headache again? Someone really needs to get him some aspirin.)_

It was … Snape and Professor McGonagall! _(EN: Well that's okay then. Remember, Snape doesn't care when he comes across students in the middle of sex.)_

* * *

EN: You know when they're 'doing it' and the word 'dick' is used? That was originally 'Spock'.

Yeah.

When I first came across it I stared at the screen for a good ten minutes looking more and more confused. Then I went into Light's room. Somehow she seemed to understand what I was trying to say in between hyperventilating and laughing hysterically. Then we sat on the ground and, on the verge of tears and hysterics, we went through all the slang words we knew for 'penis' (And Light knows a lot). After coming up empty handed we started to wonder if she _actually meant to say Spock._ Then we decided to never think about it again because that brought up far too many horrifying and mentally scarring images.

This is what I do for you all. You don't appreciate it enough.


	29. The One Where Light Flips Her Shit

Editor's Note- Surprisingly, I have nothing to say here. Mostly because I said it all in chapter 27 and since I finished that less than 10 minutes ago, the situation hasn't much changed.

But chapter 28 is glorious. Spock ;)

-Light.

* * *

**AN: Shut the fuck up! You're just jealous because you're preps! So fuck you! Raven, you rock, girl! Fangs for the help! MCR ROCKS 666! **_(EN- My Chemical Romance have not affiliation with either Satan nor Damien. I should know. I was obsessed with MCR for 2 years. And while I don't really listen to them any more, I'm wearing one of their hoodies right now =))_

"Oh my Satan!" _(EN- Facepalm.) _we screamed as we jumped out of the coffin. Snape and Professor McGonagall started to shout at us angrily.

"COME NOW!" _(EN- Given the circumstances, screaming 'CUM NOW' was probably not the best choice of words. -_-)_ Professor McGonagall yelled. _(EN- This was 'Preacher McGongel yielded.'_ _I don't even know any more.)_ We did guiltily._(EN- That right there is a mental image I never wanted.) _ We left the room, putting on our clothes. _(EN- Hopefully not in that order.)_ Snape grabbed the camera and put it in his pocket. _(EN- This was 'Snoop garbed the caramel.' Apparently Snoop Dog goes to Hogwarts and sneaks in to steal caramel whenever students get into trouble. And that's a better plotline than anything Tara would consciously come up with.)_

"Hey what the fuck?!" Vampire shouted angrily.

"Yeah, buster, what the fuck are you going to do with the fucking camera?" Draco demanded, looking at me longingly with his gothic red eyes. "Look, Dumbledore knows your little secret and if you do this again, you will go to St Mungo's. _(EN- Because St Mango's is for pedophiles. And I thought he was already there?) _So give back the camera!"

"Hahahaha, the Ministry of Magic thinks he is crazy! There is no way they will believe you". Snape laughed meanly. _(EN- All of the facepalms. All of them.)_

"Yes, so shut your mouth, you insolent fools!" yelled Professor McGonagall _(EN- Proffesor McGoggle. Fuck the hell yes.) _She made us come into a weird room with white stones all around it. There were all these weird tools in it. _(EN- And now it's a chapter from 50 Shades of Gray. Bah.) _Draco started to cry, sexily and sexitive _(EN- Neither of those are words.) _**(Get it? Because he's a sexbomb, LOL. Tom Felton rules for life! But not as much as Gerard, you're sex on legs! I love you, you fucking rock! Marry me!). **_(En- He married Lyn-Z Ballato from MSI back when __**I**__ was listening to them. I think they have a kid now too. Not to mention that you're 12. And that he probably has standards.)_

I started to cry tears of blood (it happens in the Vampire Chronicles. Raven said so, okay, so fuck you!). _(EN-... Don't you dare. Don't you DARE compare this to the Vampire Chronicles. Ever. You are not even worth the mud particles on Anne Rice's shoes. Also, in the Vampire Chronicles, vampires can't get erections. Your argument is invalid.) _Vampire took out a black handkerchief and started to wipe my red eyes.

And then he and Snape both took out guns using magic. _(EN- I don't have the will nor energy for this shit any more.)_ They started to shoot each other angrily. None of the bullets hit each other yet. I took out my wand.

"Crucio!" I shouted. _(EN- That young lady, is an Unforgivable Curse. Life imprisonment in Azkaban, how are you? And you do not use it on your friend and your fucking teacher! And this is still less of a crime than comparing yourself to Anne Rice.) _Snape stated to scream. He dropped the gun. But it was too late. Both of them had run out of bullets. _(EN- Well wasn't that whole thing rather pointless -_-) _I stopped the curse. Professor McGonagall _(EN- Professor McGoogle. Well, she does have infinite knowledge.)_ did a spell so that we were all chained up. She took out a box of tools. Then she said "Okay, Severus, I'm going to go now." She left. Snape started to laugh evilly. Vampire started to cry.

"It's ok, Ebony." said Draco. "Everything will be all right. Remember the video you took of Snape." _(EN- 'cideo you took of Snake'. I fail to see how a video of a reptile helps you in any way during this current situation.)_

Snape laughed again. And then...he took out some whips! (_EN- Oh, my God. Words cannot describe how happy I am at not having the next chapter. Good luck, Liv.)_

* * *

Editor's Note- I can't do this any more. I actually can't. Vampire Chronicles? Anne Rice? If I could catch Tara Gilespie right now, there wouldn't be a body left to find. I may have flipped my shit a little.

Honk.

-Light.


	30. The One Where Liv Loses It

EN: I'm gone. Chapter 30 just destroyed me. I'm six feet under, and from now on robot version of myself will be updating this story in my place. And I use the word 'story' lightly, it's more an exercise in unusual types of torture.

* * *

**AN: Stop flaming the story, okay? You don't know what's even going to happen, okay?**_ (EN: I think I can guess. Ebony will be an absolute bitch and will change her clothes at least twice every chapter. Am I wrong?)_** So FUCK YOU! If you flame you will be a prep so all flamers can kiss my ass!**_ (EN: Well there's a very convincing incentive not to flame if there ever was one.)_** Sorry for saying Alzheimers is dangerous but that's the Ministry's opinion because society basically sucks. Fangs to Raven, you rock, bitch!**_ (EN: I don't know why she's friends with you, especially when you make her edit this shit and insult her every couple of words.)_

"No!" we screamed sadly. Snape started laughing meanly. _(EN: This used to be "Snap stated loafing meanly" It took quite a while to figure out.) _He took out a camera angrily._ (EN: One second he's mean and laughing the next he's angry. Make up your mind.)_ Then … he came towards Draco!_ (EN: Oh God here's where it starts isn't it? Ladies and gentlemen, you are witnessing the start of the end of me. May the world have a minute of silence in my memory.)_ He took some stones out of his pocket._ (EN: What?)_ He put the stones around Draco and lit a candle._ (EN: I'd like to state that I have no clue what's going on here. NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY SENSE!)_

"What the fuck are you doing!"_ (EN: Christ almighty, my thoughts are on the same wavelength as Ebony's. Someone kill me now.)_ I shouted angrily. Snape laughed meanly. _(EN: He's doing that a lot in this chapter.) _He pulled down his pants. I gasped - there was a Dark Mark on his you-know-what!_ (EN: Gone. Dead. Buried. This said "Dork Mark" before. )_

He waved his wand and a knife came. He gave the knife to me._ (EN: Because giving aknife to someone you just chained up is a good idea.)_

"You must stab Vampire," he said to me. "If you don't then I'll rape Draco!"_ (EN: WHY DON'T YOU JUST STAB HIM YOURSELF? HE IS RIGHT THERE!)_

"No, you fucking bastard!" I yelled._ (EN: This is why you should do your own dirty work, a five year old could have anticipated this.)_

But then Draco looked at me sadly with his evil, Gothic red eyes that looked so depressed and sexy. He looked exactly like a pentagram_ (EN: What? What? What? A PERSON CANNOT LOOK LIKE A PENTAGRAM!)_ **(Lol, get it? Because I'm a Satanist)**_ (EN: No you're not. You are a sorry excuse for a human being with anger management issues and an unhealthy obsession with terrible sex. And the worst of your crimes is choosing Harry Potter as a way for your delusions to manifest. Harry Potter which is, to quite Stephen King, about confronting fears, finding inner strength and doing what is right in the face of adversity. Your story is an abomination to mankind.) _between Kurt Cobain and Gerard. But then I looked at Vampire and he looked so sexy too with his Gothic black hair. I thought of the time when we screwed and the time I did it with Draco and Dumbledore came and the time where Draco almost committed suicide and Vampire was so supportive.

Snape laughed angrily. He started to pray to Voldemort. _(EN: Last I checked, Voldemort wasn't a God. Nor is he part of any religion whatsoever.)_ He started to do an incapacitation dance around the stones, whipping Draco and Vampire. _(EN: I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS IN EXISTENCE!)_ Suddenly I had an idea. I closed my eyes and, using my vampire powers, I sent a telepathic message to Draco and Vampire so they would distract Snape.

"Dumbledore will get you!" Draco shouted.

"Yeah, just wait until the Ministry find out!" Vampire yelled. Meanwhile I took out my wand. _(EN: Why don't you just use the wand to escape? They're capable of unlocking chains, you know. Or haven't you gotten to that point in your education yet? It's taught before Halloween first year, was it just too difficult for you?Poor Ebony.)_

"You ridiculous dunderhead!" Snape yelled. He took off all of Draco's clothes. Just as he was about to rape him … _(EN: I've never been so happy to see an ellipse in my life. In Tara's world an ellipse means it's not going to happen.)_

"Crucio!" I shouted pointing my wand. Snape screamed and started running around the room screaming. _(EN: The Cruciatus Curse doesn't do that, you know. It causes you so much pain you fall to the ground.) _Meanwhile I grabbed my black mobile and sent a text to Sirius. I stopped the Cruciatus Curse. _(EN: Was she just casually casting an Unforgivable on Snape and texting the supposed mass murderer at the same time?)_

"You dunderhead! I'm going to kill-" shouted Snape but suddenly Severus came. _(EN: … )_

Snape put the whip behind his back. "Oh, hello Sev, I was just teaching them something," he lied. _(EN: putting aside the fact that there's too Snapes in the room at the moment because that is something I refuse to go near. You do realise you are standing in the room with three seventeen year olds – your students to be precise – one of which is naked and all three are chained together. What the fuck are they going to think you were teaching them? And besides they can talk, you know.)_ But suddenly Lucius and Professor Trelawney came into the room and they and Sirius unlocked the chains and put them around Snape. Then Professor Trelawney said 'Come on Ebony, let's go." _(EN: Ebony wasn't the only student in an utterly horrific position. Draco and Vampire were there too. But Ebony's such a "speshul snowflake" she's the only one people care about.)_


	31. The One With Volremortserum

Editor's Note- Okay, so I'm a little more mentally stable now. But only a little.

-Light.

**AN: I said shut the fuck up, you queefs! **_(EN- That was 'quiephs'. I made an assumption. Though she probably doesn't know what the word means.) S_**top calling Ebony a Mary Sue, ok, **_(EN- Sorry, Tar-bear, but I call them like I see them.)_** You don't even know what's going to happen, ok, so fuck you! **_(EN- Admit it, Tara, even you don't know where you're going with this shit.)_** Fangs to my BFF Raven for the help! **_(EN- I like to think of your relationship as BFUYSMS. Best Friends Until You Steal My Sweater =) )_

"I always knew you were on Voldemort's side, you son of a bitca" **(Buffy rocks!) **_(EN__**- **__Buffy DOES rock, but you don't have the right to make references to Buffy =( ) _Sirius said to Snape.

"No, I'm not! I was teaching them something!" Snape claimed.

"Oh fucking yeah?" I took some black Veritaserum _(EN- Colourless, odourless, black liquid. Yeah, that makes sense.) _out of my pocket and gave it to Sirius. He made Snape drink it. He did angrily. Then Lucius _(EN- Luscious o.O)_ took out a tape recorder and started playing it while he cursed Snape. Then Professor Sinistra _(EN- Or possible Trelawney)_ and Lucius made us leave with them while Snape told his secrets. Lucius took Vampire and Draco to the nurse after thanking me a million times. Professor Trelawney took me to a dark room. _(EN- Really, Trelawney? There are better people to rape than Ebony.) _Now I was going to go back in time to seduce Voldemort. _(EN- May God help us all.) _Moving posters of My Chemical Romance and Nirvana were all over. _(EN- If you say Nirvana is gothic, I will find you and I will kill you slowly and painfully.) _Hermione, _(EN- I thought she was B'loody Mary? But I'm not complaining.)_ Darkness and Willow came too. B'loody Mary gave me a black bag from Tom Riddle's store.

"What's in the bag?" I asked Professor Trelawney.

"You will see." she said. I opened the bag. _(EN- Have to admit, I was expecting it to be a while before she got to open it.)_ In it was a sexy, tight, low-cut black leather gothic dress. It had red corset stuff and there was a slit up the leg. _(EN- Well, that was disgracefully anti climatic. I was expecting something useful. I don't know why I even hope any more.)_ I put it on. My friends helped me put on black fishnets and black pointy boots Willow had chosen. Willow and Darkness helped me put on black eye-liner and blood-red lipstick. _(EN- You clearly just want to blend in in the past, yeah?_

"You look fucking kawaii, bitch." B'loody Mary said. _(EN- Nobody asked your opinion.)_

"Fangs." I said. _(EN- Shut up.)_

"Ok, now you're going to go back in time." said Professor Trelawney. "You will have to do it in a few seconds." She gave me a black gun. I put it in a strap on my fishnets like in Resident Evil. _(EN- YOU DO NOT GET TO TALK ABOUT RESIDENT EVIL. STOP DESTROYING EVERYTHING I LOVE.) _ Then she gave me a black time-turner. _(EN- Because normal time turners are too mainstream.) _"After an hour, use the time turner to come back here." Professor Trelawney said. Then she and B'loody Mary put a Pensieve in front of me. Everyone went in front of it.

"Good luck!" Everyone shouted. Darkness and Willow gave me death's touch sin. _(EN- I don't even want to know what she wanted to say.) _Then I jumped sexily into the Pensieve. _(EN- So, so much stupidity.)_

Suddenly I was in front of the school. In front of me was one of the sexiest goth guys I had ever seen. He has long black hair, kinda like Mikey Way's only black. _(EN- I don't remember Mikey Way having long hair.) _He had green eyes like Billie Joe Armstrong and pale white skin. He was wearing a black ripped up suit with Vans. _(EN- Who would desecrate a suit like that?)_ It was….Tom Bombodil! _(EN- Because apparently she travelled back in time to the Hogwarts in Middle Earth.)_

Editor's Note- While I was editing this, Liv burst into my room near tears saying 'I can't do this any more!' because of chapter 30. So I read chapter 30. And the small part of my soul I didn't sell to Andrew Hussie died. Thanks for that, Tara.

-Light.


	32. The One Where Liv Procrastinates

EN: Everyone, I'm sorry this is so late but I couldn't bring myself to face it for a long time. Once I left it alone, the idea of coming back was just horrific. So apologies, and here's the next chapter.

* * *

**AN: I said stop flaming. I know his name isn't Tom Bombdil **_(EN: Yeah, tom Bombadil is from the Lord of the Rings. Which is really strange when you think about it, because I don't see you having enough grasp of English to read the Gruffalo let alone proper literature like Tolkien's masterpiece.) _**that was a mistake! **_(EN: Duh!) _**If you don't like the story then you can go screw yourself! YOU SUCK! **_(EN: Tara, you forgot to thank your goffik bff Raven. She might get mad and refuse to edit your story again. If that happens I will hunt you down. I swear it.)_

"Hi," I said, flirting. _(EN: Christ, is that all she ever does?) _"I'm Ebony Way, the new student." _(EN: You are in a pensieve, Ebony. He can't hear or see you.) _I shook my pale hands with their black nail polish with him. _(EN: Now Ebony is impersonating a dodo. Or her hands are just spazzing out.)_

"The name's Tom," he said. "But you can call me Satan. That's my middle name." _(EN: Well if 'Tom Marvolo Riddle' gets you 'I am Lord Voldemort', then 'Tom Satan Bombadil' would get you something like 'I am a Blonde Toast Mob' … Never mind.)_

We shook hands. "Well come on, we have to go upstairs," Satan said. I followed him. "Hey Satan …do you happen to be a fan of Green Day?" (Since MCR and Evanescence don't exist yet then.) _(EN: Tara, I doubt Green Day was around in the 40's either.) _I asked.

"Oh my fucking god, how did you know?" Satan gasped. "Actually I like GC a lot too." **(Get it? Because GC did that song "I just Want to Live" that sounded really 80's) **_(EN: 40's, 40's Tara!)_

"Oh my God, me too!" I replied happily.

"Guess what! They have a concert in Hogsment," Satan whispered. _(EN: Why are you whispering? Actually why are you talking? There's no-one there!)_

"Hogsment?" I asked.

"Yeah, that's what they used to call it in these times before it became Hogsmeade in 2000," _(EN: How would he know? THEY ARE IN THE PAST!) _he told me all secretively, "and there's a really cool shop called Hot-"

" - Topic!" I finished, happy again.

He frowned confusedly. "No, it's called Hot Ishoo." He smiled secretively again. "Then in 1998 they changed it to Hot Topic," he moaned.

"Oh," now everything was making sense for me. _(EN: Your logic is not normal people's logic. That makes no fucking sense!) _"So is Dumbledore your principal?" I shouted. _(EN: This is a really strange conversation. He's whispering and she's shouting. Both for no apparent reason.)_

"Uh-huh," he looked at his black nails. _(EN: Can't blame you, they're probably muchmore interesting than talking to the strange girl who isn't really there.) _"I'm in Slytherin"

"Oh my fucking God, shit me too!" I shrieked.

"You go to this skull?"**(Get it? Because I'm Gothic)** he asked.

"Yeah, that's why I'm here, I'm new." I smiled.

Suddenly Dumbledore flew in on his broomstick and started shouting at us angrily. "NO TALKING IN THE HALLS!" he had short blonde hair and was wearing a polo shirt from American Eagle Outfitters. "STUPID GOTHS!"

Satan rolled his eyes. "He's so mean to us Goths and punks just because we're in Slytherin and we're not preps."

I turned around angrily. "Actually I think maybe it's because you're the Dark Lord." _(EN: What's with the bi-polarness? She's actually been happy all chapter, then he says something she would agree with and she's all over his case. Hypocrite!)_

"What the fuck?" he asked angrily.

"Oh, nothing," I said sweetly. _(EN: Ebony, are you trying to get yourself killed? He's the Bark Lord, remember? Responsible for thousands of deaths? Besides aren't you supposed to be making him fall in love with you?)_

Then suddenly … the floor opened. "OH MY FUCKING GOD, NO!" I screamed as I fell down. Everyone looked at me weirdly. _(EN: Yes, finally! The ground opened up and swallowed her whole. My prayers have been answered!)_

"Hey, where are you going?" Satan asked as I fell. _(EN: The new student gets eaten by the school and you casually ask her where she's going? Really?)_

I got out of the hole and I was back in the pensive in Professor Trelawney's classroom. Dumbledore was there. "Dumbledore, I think I just met you," I said.

"Oh yeah, I remember that," Dumbledore said, trying to be all Gothic. _(EN: YOU WEREN'T REALLY THERE!)_

Sinistra came in. "Hey, this is my classroom. Wait, what the fuck, Ebony, what the hell are you doing?"

"Um," I looked at her.

"Oh yeah, I forgot about that."

"What the Hell, how?" I screamed forgetting she was a teacher for a second. But she's a Goth so it's okay. _(EN: Because only Goth teachers are sound people.)_

Professor Sinistra looked sad. "Um, I was drinking Veritaserum," she started to cry black tears of depression. Dumbledore didn't know about them.

"Hey, are you crying tears of blood?" he asked curiously, touching a tear.

"Fuck off!" we both said and Dumbledore took his hand away.

Professor Sinistra started crying again in her chair, sobbing limpid tears. "Oh my fucking God, Ebony… I think I'm addicted to Veritaserum." _(EN: On the bright side, at least you all know she's telling the truth.)_


	33. The One With St Mungo's, Bitch

Editor's Note- I have two exams tomorrow. Two. Chinese and Economics. I've accepted that I'm going to fail Economics horribly, so I'm not even going to bother anymore. Although, to be fair, by the time Liv uploads chapter 32, I'll be well finished my exams. Oh well.

-Light.

* * *

**AN: I said shut up! It's not my fault if you don't like the story. If you don't your a prep, so fuck you, flamers! I'm not updating until you give me five good reviews and this time I mean it! **_(EN- I'm not making another God review joke here. If for no other reason than I'm now reading the Percy Jackson books, and I can't imagine any of the Olympians giving this time of day. Except maybe Hermes. He's probably be amused by this.)_** YOU SUCK! Fangs to Raven for the help! I promise to help you with your story, lol. **_(EN- And may the gods help us all.)_

"Oh, my fucking God!" I shouted sadly. _(EN- How do you shout sadly? Silly Enoby.)_ "Shoud we get you to St Mungo's, bitch?" _(EN- Okay, so I don't know what happened in the last chapter. But I'm still pretty sure if someone needs to go to the hospital, you probably shouldn't call them a bitch -_-)_

"Hell no!" she said. "Listen, Ebony, I need your help. Next time you go back in time, do you think you could ask Tom Anderson for some help?" _(EN- Who the fuck is Tom Anderson? Is it Tom Bombadil? Tom Rid? Tom Riddle? I just don't know anymore.)_

"Sure" I said sadly. I went outside the door. Draco was there! He was wearing a black Good Charlotte t-shirt which was his pajamas. _(EN- It said 'panamas.' I made a guess.)_

"Hey Sexy." I said.

"How'd it go Ebony?" he asked. His voice was so sexy and low kinda like Gerard Way when hes talking.

"Fine." I responded. We started to go back into the dorm.

"How far did you go with Satan?" Draco asked jealously. _(EN- ...What the fuck did I miss in the last chapter o.O)_

"Not to far, lol." I barked. _(EN- One, nobody should ever use 'lol' when they're telling their boyfriend that they cheated on him. Two, I have know idea what the word 'borked' means._

"Will you have to do it with him?" Draco asked.

"I hope not!" I shouted angrily. _(EN- Hey, it's not his fault you're a slag.) _Then I felt bad for shouting at him. I said sorry. We frenched. _(EN- Still a better love story than Twilight. Ehh. Maybe not, on second though.)_

"What happened to Snape?" I growled.

"You will see." Draco giggled mischeiviously. He opened a door and Snape and Lupin were there! Sirius was poking them by stabbing them with a black knife. _(EN- Yeah, 'cause normal knives are too mainsteam.)_

"NO! PLEASE!" Lupin begged as Sirius started to suck his blood. I laughed sadistically. I took some photos of him and Snape being tortured. **(Ok, I know this is mean but think about it people! They are pedos and Snape tried to rape them and anyway, sadists rock. Has anyone seen Shark Attack 3, lol). **_(EN- WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?!)_ We took some of Snape's blood, then Draco and I went back to our rooms. We sat on my gothic black coffin. My clothes were kind of dirty so I put on a black leather outfit. Kind of like the one Selene has in Underworld. **(If you haven't heard of it, then FUCK YOU!)** I put on some black platform high heels. Draco put on 'Demolition Lovers' by My Chemical. Then we started to take of each others clothes. I took of his shirt and he had a six-pack, lols. _(EN-...*Cries*)_ We started to make out like in The Grudge. He put his wetness in my you-know-what sexily. _(EN- I can't even...)_ I got an orgasm. _(EN- It's no longer a better love story than Twilight.)_

"Oh Draco! Oh, my fucking God Draco!" I screamed passively _(EN- Not changing it.) _as he got an erection. _(EN-... Somebody needs to explain how sex works to this child.)_

"I love you Ebony." he whispered sexily and then we fell asleep, lol. _(EN- WHY?!)_

* * *

Editor's Note- I honestly want to know why this exists. I just don't know anymore.


	34. The One With Slutborn

**AN: SHUT THE FUCK UP, PREPS! Have you even read the story! **_(EN: Why would they be reading chapter 34 without reading all the chapters that come before it. Not everyone goes by nonsensical Tara logic.) _**You are probably all just preps and posers so FUCK YOU! Fangs to Raven for the help! **_(EN: I'm not even going to bother anymore.)_

I woke up in the coffin the next day. _(EN: Oh God, that next paragraph is going to be about you changing your clothes again, isn't it?)_ Draco was gone. I got up and put on a black tight sexy dress that was all ripped at the end. There was red corset stuff going up the front and the back and it came up to my knees. There was a slit in the dress like in Mr. & Mr. Smith. I put on ripped black fishnets and black stiletto boots. Suddenly … _(EN: WHY IS THERE AN ELLIPSE THERE?) _Sirius knocked on the door. I opened it.

"Hi, Ebony," he said. "Guess what, you have to come to Professor Sinistra's office."

"Okay," I said in a depressed voice. I had wanted to fuck Draco or maybe listen to My Chemical Romance or Evanescence. I came anyway. _(EN: Now it's been a little while, but wasn't Draco just brutally tortured by Snape? Surely he's in the Hospital Wing? I doubt Madam Pomfrey and the other patients would be all that accommodating to you shagging your kind-of boyfriend in their midst.)_

"So what the fuck happened to Snape and Lupin?" I asked Sirius, flirting. _(EN: See what I mean about 'kind-of'?)_

"I fucking tortured them," he answered in a sadistic way. "They are in Azkaban now, lol." _(EN: Last I remember torturing people also gets you life sentence in Azkaban. You'd want to watch that, Sirius.)_

I laughed evilly.

"Where are Draco and Vampire?" I asked.

"They are excused from school today," Sirius moaned sexily. _(EN: Does the fact he's old enough to be her father not concern anyone else? I suppose if you consider the rest of the story... ) _"Right now they are watching The Nightmare Before Christmas."

We went into the office. Professor Sinistra was there. She was wearing a gothic black dress that was all ripped all over it kinda like the one Amy Lee wears in this picture _(EN: Insert non-existent link. Tut tut, clearly someone didn't read the Site Rules.) _

She was drinking some Veritaserum. _(EN: Isn't more than a few drops of that poisonous?)_

She took out the Pensieve and the time-turner.

"Ebony, you will have to do another session now. Also I need you to get me the cure for being addicted." she said sadly. "Good luck. Fangs!" _(EN: Oh the world of My Immotal, where there is the cure to an addiction in a Pensieve and for some inexplicable reason only Tara can access it.)_

And then … I jumped into the Pensieve again. Suddenly I looked around…I was in the Great Hall eating Count Chocula. It was morning. I was sitting next to Satan. On a table was a tall gothic man with long black hair, pale skin and blue eyes wearing a suit and black Converse shoes. _(EN: So he's a stylin' Goth?) _He looked just like Charles Manson. _(EN: That was really just a guess at what Tara was trying to say there. Although Charles Manson, really?)_ I noticed … he was drinking a potion.

"Who is he?" I asked.

"Oh, that;s Professor Slughorn," _(EN: Okay, Professor Slutborn looks like Charles Manson, whatever you want to run with.) _Satan said. "He's the Potions teacher … Ebony?"

"Yeah?" I asked.

"Did you know that Marylin Mason is playing in Hogsmeade tonight? And they are showing The Exorcism in the movies before that."

"Yeah?" _(EN: God, you're a dim child.) _

"Well … do you want to go to the concert and the movie with me?"

_(EN: Please say no. Please say no. Then the teenage Dark Lorn can torture you to death. PLEASE say no!) _

EN: Massive apologies this is so late. Light's getting quite stern as to how slow this is coming along. I'm just getting more and more terrified about what's going to come next.


	35. The One Where Snap Plays The Boss

Editor's Note- I'm meant to be in an Economic lecture right now. The same lecture of which I have an exam tomorrow. Priorities.

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**AN: Fangs to Suzie for the idea! You rock! Fuck off preps! Fangs to Raven for the help. You rock girl! I'm going to end the story really soon, so FUCK YOU! Oh, yeah, and if you know any gothic names please tell me because I need one! Fangs.**

I went into the Common Room thinking of Satan. Suddenly I gasped. Draco was there!

I gasped. He looked as hot as ever. He was wearing black leather pants, a black Linkin Park t-shirt and black eyeliner.

"Draco, what the fuck are you doing?!" I gasped. _(EN- Hanging out in his house common room?)_

"Huh?" he asked. Then I remembered. It wasn't Draco. It was Lucius! He still had two arms. _(EN- I honest to gods have know idea what's happening o.O)_

"Oh, hi Lucius!" I said. "I'm Ebony, the new student" we shook hands.

"Yeah, Satan told me about you." Lucius said. He pointed to a group of sexy gothic guys. They were sitting in a corner cutting. It was Sirius, Vampire's dad and Snape! _(EN- Yeah, kay, they're all Slytherins. I knew that.)_ All of them were wearing black eyeliner and black Good Charlotte band shirts. "Listen, I'm in a goth band with those guys." he said. "We're playing tonight at the Marylin Manson show as back-up.

"Oh really?" I asked.

"Yeah." he said. "Were called XBlackXTearX. I play the guitar. Spartacus plays the drums" _(EN- WHO THE FUCK IS SPARTACUS?!) _he said pointing to him. "Snape plays the bass. _(EN- Snap plays the boss. BEAUTIFUL) _And James plays the guitar too. Even though we call him Samaro, after Samara in The Ring." _(EN- Why?!)_

"Hey, bastards." _(EN- You absolute charmer) _I told them they gave me Death touch sin. _(En- I have no idea what that is meant to be. At all.)_ Suddenly I gasped again. "But don't you have a lead singer?!" I asked. Lucius looked dawn sadly.

"We used to but she died. She committed suicide by slitting her wrists."

"Oh my fucking god! That's so fucking sad!" I gasped.

"It's okay, but we need a new lead singer." Samaro said. _(EN- 'led snigger'. "THAT'S RACIST!" screamed Dumblydore.)_

"Well, I'm in a band myself."

"Really?" asked Snape. I couldn't believe it. He used to be gothic! _(EN- I have to admit, if any of these guys were gothic, Snape would be the one that wouldn't surprise me.)_

"Yeah. we're called Bloody Gothic Rose 666. Do you wanna hear me sing?" _(EN- No. No we do not.)_

"Yeah" said everyone. _(EN- Goddamnit.) _So the guys took out their guitars. They began to play a song bi **(Get it? Because bi guys are so sexy!) **Green Day. _(EN- All of the time paradoxs.)_

"I walk this empty street on the boulevard of broken dreams." I sang sexily **(I don't own the lyrics to that song) **_(EN- Actually, you probably do. This song was realised in 2004. They hadn't heard it in the 80s -_-)_ Everyone gasped.

"Ebony? Will you join the band? Please!" begged Lucius, Samaro, Sirius and Snape.

"Um….ok." I shrugged. "Are we going to play tonight?"

"Yeah." they said.

"Ok." I said, but I knew that I had to get a new outfit. I walked outside wondering how I could go forward in time. Suddenly someone jumped in front of me. It was Marty Mcfly! _(EN- Kill me. Please, someone have mercy on my poor, tortured soul.) _ He was wearing a black band t-shirt and black baggy jeans.

"What the hell are you doing here?!" I asked. _(EN- For once, Ebony actually asks a good question.)_

"I will help you go forward in time, Ebony." he said. Then he took out a black time machine. I went into it and suddenly I was forward in time!

* * *

Editor's Note- Currently having a crisis in faith here. I don't know if I can finish this with my sanity intact. What does help, though, is that I'm editing this in my University Common Room with my Sci Fi Soc. One of the guys just started playing the Pokémon Theme Song. I love these guys.

Editor's Note as of 23rd December- I edited this chapter on the 12th of December. As of right now, Liv still doesn't have chapter 34 posted so I can upload this. All of the delays in updates can be blamed solely on her. I just finished editing my last chapter, after all.

Editor's Note as of 17th January- Liv sucks.


	36. The One With Hagrid in a Cupboard

**AN: I said stop flaming, okay! I bet you're all probably old seventy-year olds. **_(EN: Okay, so everyone who hates your story is a geriatric?) _**P.S. PORTERSUX YOU'RE A PREP! Oh, yeah, and fangs to Raven for the help. Have fun in England girl!**

I looked around in a depressed way. _(EN: I look at this story in a depressed way. Everytime I fucking see it.) _Suddenly I saw Professor Sinistra. Bloody Mary and Socrates _(EN: Sure, fine.)._ Draco, Vampire and Willow were there to.

"OH MY FUCKING GOD! Sirius, I saw you and Samaro and Snape and everyone! I can't believe Snape used to be gothic!" _(EN: Sirius wasn't mentioned above. Unless she renamed him Socrates and then forgot a line later?)_

"Yeah, I know," Sirius said sadly.

"Oh, hey there, bitch," Professor Trelawney said in an Emo voice drinking some Veritaserum.

"Hi, fucker," I said. _(EN: Aren't you a charming little angel?)_ "Listen, Satan asked me out to a Gothic concert and a movie so I need a sexy new outfit for the date. Also I'm playing in a Gothic band so I need an outfit for that too."

"Oh my Satan!" **(Get it? Lol, because she's Gothic.)** gasped Bloody Mary. "Want to go to Hot Topic to shop for you're outfit?"

"OH MY FUCKING SATAN! _(EN: At least I assume she meant Satan here, as there was an 'S' instead of a 'G'. Knowing here it could have just been a typo though.) _Let's have a group cutting session!" said Professor Trelawney. _(EN: You're a teacher! You should not be condoning this sort of behaviour!)_

"I can't fucking wait for that but we need to get some stuff first," said Willow.

"Yeah, we need some potions for Professor Trelawney so she won't be addicted to Veritaserum any more and also … some love potion for Ebony," Draco said reluctantly _(EN:_ _This originally said 'resultantly' and I couldn't decide if it meant reluctantly or resolutely. I went with the one which made the most sense in this senseless conversation.)_

"Well we have potions class now," Willow said, "so let's go." _(EN: Yes, because they're just going to let you brew love potion because you feel like it.)_

We went sexily to Potions class. _(EN: I've giving up asking how you can go somewhere sexily. I just imagine them doing the goose waddle from the Aristocats.) _But Snape wasn't there. Instead there was … Cornelius Fudge! _(EN: Bwahahaha, Cornelio Fuck. Sometimes this story is pure gold.)_

"Hey, where the fuck is Dumbledore!" Draco shouted angrily. _(EN: In his office, maybe. Snape is the one who's MIA.)_

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" shouted Cornelius Fudge. "He is in Azkaban now, with Snape and Lupin. He is old and weak. He has cancer. Now do your work!" _(EN: Yes, because Azkaban is totally the place for elderly ill people. I bet Dementors have the best bedside manner.)_

My friends and I talked angrily.

"Can you BELIEVE Snape used to be Gothic!" Vampire asked, surprised. _(EN: Honestly, I'm not that surprised at all.)_

"THAT'S IT!" Cornelius Fudge shouted angrily. "I'M GETTING PROFESSOR UMBRIDGE!"_(EN: Bit harsh, they were only talking for a few seconds.)_

He stomped out angrily.

My friends and I began talking again. I began to drink some blood mixed with beer. Suddenly I saw Hagrid in the cupboard. _(EN: … the fuck? And for future reference, I doubt alcohol is sanctioned by the school.)_

"WHAT THE FUCK IS HE DOING?" I asked. Then I looked at Draco. He was wearing tons of eye-liner and he looked sexier than ever. Suddenly …"HARGRID WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!" he shouted.

I looked around … Hagrid was putting something in my glass of blood! _(EN: I thought he was in the cupboard? Does she sit next to it or something? Because then you wouldn't be able to open the cupboard door … Never mind I can't believe I'm trying to apply logic to My Immortal.)_ Draco and Vampire started to beat him up sexily. _(EN: Yes, because beating the shit out of someone is the next best thing to sex.)_

"God, you are such a poser!" I shouted at Hagrid. Suddenly I looked at what he was putting in the blood. It was … Amnesia Potion! _(EN: Dastardly Bastard. Not giving any to me.)_

* * *

EN: A million apologies for this being so late. My motivation was so subzero for this it wasn't even funny. Light's right, I suck. But hey! It's here now.


	37. The One Where Sinistra Is Too Gothic

Editor's Note- Finished my exams, just finished my Stats Project and I'm heading home to my parents house on Monday. And I have a day long brodate planned with Liv for tomorrow. Bitchin'.

-Light.

Editor's Note as of 31st January 2013 - I've had this finished since the 14th of December. Again, blame Liv.

* * *

**AN: OK, EVERYBODY. I'M GOING ON VACATION ON THE FIRST OF JULY **_(EN- Transylvania again, sweetheart?) _**SO I'M EITHER GONNA END THE FIC OR UPDATE IT IN A FEW WEEKS. Fangs! Oh, yeah, and preps stop flaming the story! Raven, Fangs for the help. See you after vacation! **_(EN- And thank you for the caps spam, Tara. Completely necessary.)_

DRACO'S POINT OF VIEW, LOL. _(EN- Oh gods..)_

Vampire and I chained Hagrid to the floor. _(EN- The fuck __happened__ in__ the last chapter? I seem to have walked in on 50 Shades of Grey o.O)_

"Oh, my fucking Satan!" _(EN- Shut up.)_ Ebony said. She was so hot. "Maybe I could use an Amnesia potion to make Satan fall in love with me faster!" _(EN- What does that have to do with ANYTHING? Well, anyone would need a love potion to fall for you.)_

"But you're so sexy and wonderful, Tara," said Vampire. _(EN- What a c'mon, TARA? Really?) _ "Why would you need it?" _(EN- Because she's repulsive.)_

"To make everything go faster, lol." said Ebony. _(EN- Because making someone in love with you against their will is hilarity at it's finest.)_

"But you won't have to do it with him or anything, will you?" I asked jealously.

"OMFG, you guys are so scary!" said Britney, a fucking prep. _(EN- Who the FUCK is Britney?)_

"Shut the fuck up!" said Willow. _(EN- ...I thought you liked being scary?)_

"Ok, well, let's go to Professor Trelawney's room."

Draco, Ebony and I _(EN- I THOUGHT YOU __**WERE**__ DRACO!) _went to Professor Sinistra's room. _(EN- What happened to Trelawney?) _But Professor Sinistra wasn't there. Instead Tom Rid was. _(EN- Oh, yeah, obviously.)_

"Oh, hi, fuckers" he said. _(EN- What a charmer.)_ "Listen, I got you some cool new clothes.

I took out the clothes from the bag. It was a gothic black leather miniskirt that said '666' on the back, black stiletto boots, blood red fishnets and a black corset. _(EN- Tom's a creep.)_

"OMG, fangs!" I said hugging him in a gothic way. _(EN -...-_-) _I took the clothes from the bag.

"Ok, Professor Sinistra isn't here, so what the fuck should we do?" asked Draco. Suddenly he looked at a sign on the black wall.

"Oh, my fucking Satan!" I screamed as I read it. _(EN- You can read?)_ On it said 'Everyone, Professor Sinistra is away. She is too gothic. She is in Azkaban now. Classes shall be taught by Dumbledore, who is back, but he shall not be Headmaster for now. Sincerely, Professor Umbridge.' _(EN- This. This right here. It's the stupidest thing I've ever read. And I've read the Twilight Saga.)_

"OMFG!" I shouted angrily. "How could they do that?!"

Suddenly Dumbledore came. _(EN- Oh gods! THE MENTAL IMAGES! *_Shoots self in head. )

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN MY OFFICE?!" he began to shout angrily. _(EN- It's Sinistra's office...) _Suddenly I saw Marty Mcfly's black time machine! I jumped seductively _(EN- Douchebag.) _into it, leaving Draco and Vampire. _(EN- And a shit friend.) _Suddenly I was back in time! I looked around. It was…Professor Slughorn's office! _(EN- Professor Slutborn. Enough said.)_ I snuck around. Suddenly I saw the Amnesia potion on his desk. It was black with blood-red pentagrams in it. _(EN- You're an idiot.) _It was the shape of a cross. I put it in my pocket. Suddenly the door opened it was...Professor Slughorn! _(EN- That asshole. Walking into his own office like that.)_

"OMG! What are you doing, fucker?!" he shouted angrily. "I don't know!What the fuck are you doing?!" I shouted angrily. _(EN- You're an idiot.)_

"Oh, sorry I was just looking around because I thought it was class." you said, hoping he couldn't see the potion in your pocket. _(EN- When did this go to 2__nd__ person? o.O)_

"Oh, ok, you can go now." said Professor Slughorn. _(EN- You're also an idiot.)_

You went to the common room after putting on your clothes. _(EN- Second person to first person in one sentence. Glorious.)_ Sirius, Samaro and Snape were there practicing 'Vampires Will Never Hurt You" by My Chemical Romance.

"Oh, hi. you guys." I said seductively. _(EN- Kill yourself.) _"Where's Satan?"

"Oh he's coming." said Sirius. _(EN- 'He's cumming.' Y'know, Sirius. There is such a thing as too much information.)_ "By the way, you can call me Hades _(EN- Step the fuck away from my Greek Mythology. Do it now.)_ now." Suddenly Satan came. He was wearing a sexy black leather jacket, black converse shoes, a Slipknot t-shirt and a black tie. _(EN- Oh, so he's a tween emo. Fair enough.)_

"Ok, I will see you guys at the concert." I said and then I went with Satan. _(EN- Who only just arrived and did not invite you anywhere.)_

* * *

Editor's Note – Slutborn. Just... Gah.

'You can call me Hades now.'? No. No they cannot. I've let you insult Anne Rice, Buffy, various bands that I'll listen to on occasions, good films and the English language. If you ever come near Greek Mythology again, I will flip my shit and murder you, Tara. I will send you to Hades. The Fields of Punishment are just waiting for you -_-. Stop destroying everything I love.

-Light.


	38. The One Where Liv Finally Returns

EN: I wanted to call this chapter "The One Where Liv Finally Gets Her Act Together" because that's really what it was but they wouldn't let me use so many letters. There are no words to describe how lazy I've been over the past several months in regards to this story, but Chapter 38's finally here. Between split personalities, character change names and many, many deleted "lulz", you might actually wish it wasn't.

* * *

**AN: What does everyone think? Will I end the story and then I add some more to it after vacation? Oh yeah, and preps stop flaming if you don't like the story then take my quiz, okay? Then you will see if you're Gothic or not! **_(EN: You know Tara, everyone who doesn't like your story and says they aren't a prep isn't claiming to be a Goth either._

Satan and I walked to his car. It was a black car with pentagrams all over it. On the license plate it said 666 just like Draco's car. I climbed into it seductively. Stan started to drive it. We talked about Satanism **(Lols, he was named after Satan)** _(EN: Oh Tara, you're so witty!)_, cuttting, music and being Gothic. _(EN: That must have been a hell of a cheery conversation.)_

"Oh my Satan, Gerard is so fucking hot!" Voldemort agreed as we smoked some weed. (Because Bi guys are hot. They are so sensitive. I love them, lol. goes and fucks a Bi guy.) _(EN: That last bit longer to decipher than it really should have.) _

"Lol, I totally decided not to commit suicide when I herd Helena." _(EN: Do you only know one of their songs? Because I haven't heard you talk about anything other than Helena.)_ I said in a flirty voice. "Hey Satan, do you know the cure for when people are addicted to Veritaserum?" (EN: For the last fucking time, there is no such thing as a cure for addiction! You just have to give up!)

"Well…" he thought. "I think you have to drink Vampire blood." _(EN: Well, at least they don't have to worry about getting their hands on it. Hogwarts seems to be absolutely crawling with the creatures at the moment.)_

Suddenly Voldemort parked the car behind a black movie theatre. Satan and I walked outside. We went into the movie theatre where they were showing the Exorcist. In it a boy and a girl were doing it and suddenly a serial killer came, lol. _(EN: I wondered whether to take the lol out because it was a typo or something, but then I remembered that Tara Gilesbie was writing this and she would be the type to laugh at a random serial killer on the loose.)_ Satan and I laughed at the blood because we're sadists.

While Satan was watching the movie, I had an idea. I sexily took Satan's Gothic black 'Nightmare Before Christmas' cigar from his pocket and put some Amnesia Potion on it. I put it back in his black Emily the Strange bag. Satan turned around and started to smoke it. Black clouds with red pentagrams in them started to fly around everywhere. _(EN: I will grudgingly admit I'm impressed if he managed to do that on purpose, but on the other hand it's 'Satan'.)_

"Oh my God!" Satan said jumping up. I gasped because I was afraid he'd noticed. "Ebony guess what?"

I knew that the Amnesia Potion had worked. _(EN: … HOW? He just said three words!)_

"Amnesia Potion has not been invented yet so it will not work," _(EN: Okay, clearly you were wrong then. What haven't you been wrong about?)_ he said.

"Too bad because I wanted to use some on you." _(EN: In my humble opinion, I wouldn't plead guilty if the future Dark Lord accused me of trying to drug him.)_

"Cool." _(EN: No comment.)_

I raised my eye suggestively. And then … he sexily took off my clothes and we started to make out. I took of his shirt. He had six-pack just like Gerard Way! We frenched._ (EN: And I'm assuming this is the same Gerard Way you want to be related to?)_

"Excuse me, but you are going to have to leave!" shouted the lady behind us; she was a prep. _(EN: Why do most of the sex scenes get interrupted? Does Tara just not know what comes after a certain point?)_

"Fuck you!" I said. Suddenly … I attacked her, sucking all her blood.

"No!" she screamed. All the preps in the theatre screamed but everyone else clapped because Satan and I looked so cute together. Satan and I started to walk outside. _(EN: No. Just no.)_

"Oh my God, how did you do that?" Voldemort asked in a turned-on voice. _(EN: Is it not obvious?)_

"I'm a vampire," I said as we climbed into the car.

"Seriously?" he gasped.

"Yeah seriously," I said drinking some beer. Satan started to drive the car. I smiled happily. _(EN: Tara had smelled instead of smiled here before. I stared at it for at least five minutes trying to figure out if she really meant what she said.)_

"It's too bad we didn't get to see the rest of the movie, don't you think?"

"Yeah." I said as we kissed passionately. Satan parked in a black driveway next to the place where Draco and I had watched Good Charlotte for the first time. We went inside where Marylin Mason was playing and started to mosh.

"Anti-people now you've gone to far Jesus Christ Superstar!" screamed Marlin on the stage. We did the devil fingers. I started to dance really close to Satan. He was so sexy! He looked at me all Emo with his Gothic red eyes, and he looked exactly like Mikey Way. I almost got an orgasm! Suddenly Marylin Mason stopped singing.

"I would like to present … XBlackXTearsX!" he said. I ran to the stage. Lucius, Samaro, Snape and Hades were there. They started to play their instruments. I got onstage.

"Well if you wanted honesty that's all you had to say!" I sang. **(I don't own the lyrics to that song.)** My voice sounded like a pentagram between Amy Lee and a girl version of Gerard Way. Everyone clapped. Satan got an erection. "I'M NOT OKAY!" I sang finally. Suddenly Lucius started playing the song wrong by mistake.

"Oh my fucking God!" yelled James. "What the fuck?"

"Whoops, I'm sorry!" said Lucius.

"You fucking asshole!" James shouted angrily.

"You guys are such preps!" Snape said. "Come on, it was a mistake!"

"Yeah, it's not his fault!" said Sirius.

"No! He ruined the fucking song!" yelled Samaro.

"You guys stop!" I shouted angrily but it was to late. They all began to fight. Suddenly Samaro took out his knife.

"Oh my fucking God! No!" shouted Lucius, but it was to late. James tried to shoot off his arm.

And then … _(EN: And the Ebony does something boring, predictable and incredibly stupid.)_ I jumped sexily in front of the bullet!

"No!" yelled everyone, but it was to late._ (EN: Since everything seems to be happening too late this chapter, please contact your operator for lagging issues.)_ Suddenly everything went black.


End file.
